Therapy.

As you may or may not have guessed by now, I struggle with depressive moods. A lot. I'm not claiming to be clinically depressed, for fear of belittling a real problem for others that I might not actually be going through. But, I will say I know how it feels to feel hopeless and alone. Wanting to be so much more but confining oneself to bundled lump on a bed, avoiding contact with the outside world. If I had it my way, I might never leave my house again. (Gosh, that sounds really nice. Not worrying about people or events or anything... Not doing anything. I sure make a good hermit.)

I have this ideal self in my head of who I want to be and pretend to be. She's a pretty sociable person, handles people well, and even enjoys going out. She's also thinner, has clear skin, is always happy, has the next year's supply of contacts, and is totally unreal. I'll never be her. I'm not sure I truly want to be her, either. She sounds really fake and stupid. (Sometimes I think I already am fake and stupid, though, so who knows.) But the main point is, she's not real. She's not me. I'll never be close to dream Natalie. She's too far off to actually reach. I have to make do with the person I am. And, at the moment, I have struggles. I'm fighting off an incessant sadness that most of my friends cannot grasp. I'm getting over mono and trying to get my productivity back. I even have a cold, ha ha ha. For a self-centered, almost eighteen-year-old, home schooled high school senior, it's a lot to handle. Especially when you haven't done much for schoolwork this year. The stress of being behind is way too much. Freaks me out.

So, when the devil is trying to confuse me with all that's flooding my head . . . I decided to make a list tonight. A list of God/Truth -vs.- The Devil/Depression. I contrasted the lies of the devil to the truths of God Almighty. It helped me so much. That was my therapy tonight. (Which is nice, because no matter how bad my 'depression' gets, I refuse to go back to the doctor and have her not take me seriously again. Therapy sounds crappy anyways and medication doesn't actually do anything. Screw the system.) The list really forced me to recognize the truth. And it will now be there to redirect me whenever I start to think I'm worthless . . . just a quick glance and I have a reminder that I'm precious to Him. Eventually, the more I reinforce this new thought pattern, I'll hopefully begin to believe it.

Anyways. If any of you have trouble believing God because the lies of this world are overwhelming you . . . just make a list like that. "The devil says __________, but God says ____________". Dare to believe His Words. : ) He loves you sooooo much.

Love and prayers,

Natalie