Old habits are hard to resurrect once you accidentally killed them

I used to be so good at doing things on a regular basis that were good for me. I would read my Bible every day. I would run almost every day. I'd eat salads almost every day. I think I've kind of reversed that these days. I mean, I'm glad that I've at least gotten to the point where I do things, though. I've recovered enough that I'm getting back to having hobbies. I have a hamster again. She's a sweetie and she's very healthy. :) She's not used to me yet, so she still bites me when I stick my hand out for her to smell... but she's biting less hard each time. Haha! I'm back into reading a ton. I'm working my way through The Hobbit right now, which I  know Joey is very proud of me for. He's been all up in arms all the time because I hadn't read any Tolkien yet. Boohoo. I started listening to music again. That's been fun. I love finding new good music these days. The Buzz is pretty good about playing new and interesting stuff, so I usually listen to them over any other stations. If they play too many commercials or anything lame, I just switch to The Fountain cuz they're the next best thing. My job is going well. I really enjoy it. For some reason, everyone seems to think I'm like the wonder employee of the year and it kinda drives me nuts. Cuz I'm definitely not. I see no reason for everyone to expect me to be this great person. It's nice that so many people have confidence in me, but it kinda sucks because then I feel like a huge disappointment or road  block when I do mess up. That really sucks. I'm sorry, guys. I just can't keep up with expectations that well.

So... anyways. The reason for this post. I need to get back into reading my Bible regularly, but with school and work and my inability to get enough sleep, I can't do these rigorous reading plans I used to do when I had nothing else to do with my life. I actually have time constraints. So I'm wondering where to start reading if I just want to hit the reset button on my Christian life. Any suggestions? I just wanna wipe clean the slate of everything I think I know about God, and start over. Get a clear view of Him without anyone else's input but His. Nobody else whispering in my ear, "God is this; God is that." Just God's actual words on who He is and what He's all about. Where shall I start? Suggestions, please!

Thanks, guys. :) You rock.

Natalie

Theories...

Guys, I have a theory.

It's a silver lining theory.

About depression.

I think that after you start to recover from the numb stage... the part where you feel absolutely nothing for anyone or anything... you start to feel things more intensely when you DO feel. Maybe that's because you haven't felt in so long that it's overwhelming. But yeah. When you're happy, you cherish it more. When you see and feel beauty and awe, it is so much more vibrant.

I'm always glad to see those I know who struggle with depression say they're having a good day, or how beautiful the weather is. Because I know they're getting their feelings back. And while, yes, the negative feelings hurt even more than ever before, the positive ones shine brighter than ever as well. I want everyone to experience the brightness that comes with one positive and beautiful moment in their life at least once.

Speaking of beauty, I got an issue of Vogue Knitting. Needless to say... I'm hooked. I'm dying for a subscription! All the patterns are just GORGEOUS, and there's something for every skill level. They even have little articles that make you smarter! How fun is that?! I'm very excited for these future projects.

I'm also excited because I am now a Mary Kay Independent Beauty Consultant!! :-D I know this opportunity is going to take me places. I also know that I want to earn a car! Haha. But, seriously. I would love that. I will be working my booty off to reach so many new goals and heights. And I finally have reasons to dress super classy and buy nice shoes ;) heehee. Can we just skip director in qualifying and go straight to Director? I don't like wearing red... but I can handle gold just fine... haha. But, yeah! Really looking forward to beginning this journey. And I love that I'll be able to take it to school with me, too. Although I'm starting to not really want to go to school... But that's probably just me being weird with my feelings again. I never know what I want much anymore. Oh, well! It's an adventure nonetheless. :)

-Natalie

Phew.

God really pulled me in today. He wanted my attention. I pulled out my iPod for some music while I was about to read in my vegan lifestyle diet book thing, and the first song that played was one of my favorite worship songs from when I actually was into God... Fall Afresh by Bethel Music. I just sat there, basking in the moment...and God was like, "Hey. Come hang out with Me. I miss you. Grab your study Bible and we can talk over that Starbucks drink you have there." So, I did. I paused my music, (because shuffle mode is bipolar and the next few songs were really distracting) and opened up my bible. I picked up where I left off: 1 Corinthians 2. I had already read over the chapter last time I was in the Word, but I didn't go through the study notes and really chew on it for a while. This time, I did.

First off, I really wanna point out how different meeting with God and reading His Word is when you take the time to meet up in worship first. It buffers your heart. It opens you up and gets you ready for something wonderful. It makes you more sensitive to the Holy Spirit, which, you'll see in a moment, allows you to understand the deeper things of God. Once, I heard Kari Jobe say that she doesn't really consider herself to have met up with God if she doesn't cry. (She's totally a crier, too.) Like, she'll sit there in her little quiet time chair and won't leave until God moves her. I think I finally understand that. Just from the little time of worship, I started tearing up. Then, as I read through the passage, writing down quick little notes in my prayer journal and reading the study helps... Jesus took my breath away. He blew my mind. He caused me to understand things I've never even been close to grasping before. I'm getting all teary-eyed just thinking about it. In the moment, little teardrops just kept falling down my face as He revealed truth after truth after truth to me. It overwhelmed me and yet I didn't do my usual overwhelmed reaction thing. I actually embraced it

It was overwhelming in a good way. It was like... I dunno. Here comes a lame analogy... But, you know in kid's tv shows when it's the character's birthday, and all their friends are planning a surprise party, but they feel neglected because nobody has time for them all day? I have felt like that character lately. And God has been that group of friends, trying to get a stellar party ready, doing their best to just bring a smile to my face. I've felt neglected by God. (I'm just being honest here. My feelings obviously are hardly ever doctrinally sound, but I will still share them.) And He's just been waiting for me to show up to the little surprise party He's planned. That moment of surprise when you realize all your friends haven't truly been avoiding you, and they cared enough to throw an amazing party for you, and it really does surprise you and you're just like... WOW! This rocks!! That's what those moments of clarity felt like to me. Overwhelming, but totally welcome. I praised God in those moments. Finally. I just sat there, basked in His wonderful presence, thanked Him for all He is showing me. Thanked Him for the profound simplicity of His word. His Book that is so simple, and yet so confusing. Because it's simple, yet hidden from us. Until God chooses to reveal a truth to us, He allows us to be kept in the dark on that little secret. So we go through passages at times, those times when we don't really allow the Spirit time to permeate our hearts and minds and give us understanding, and we're completely baffled by God's Word. We're sitting there wondering, "What the heck does this mean? How am I supposed to get to know God if He makes it so hard?!"

I got news for ya: It's not actually hard to know God. You just have to be quiet and hunker down.

And I, when I came to you, brothers, did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling, and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, so that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.

Yet among the mature we do impart wisdom, although it is not a wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are doomed to pass away. But we impart a secret and hidden wisdom of God, which God decreed before the ages for our glory. None of the rulers of this age understood this, for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory.But, as it is written,

“What no eye has seen, nor ear heard,

    nor the heart of man imagined,

what God has prepared for those who love him”—

these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God. For who knows a person's thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. Now we have received not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might understand the things freely given us by God. And we impart this in words not taught by human wisdom but taught by the Spirit, interpreting spiritual truths to those who are spiritual.

The natural person does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are folly to him, and he is not able to understand them because they are spiritually discerned. The spiritual person judges all things, but is himself to be judged by no one. “For who has understood the mind of the Lord so as to instruct him?” But we have the mind of Christ.

Isn't all that amazing? We understand nothing of God except what His Spirit reveals to us. We have the mind of Christ, because we have the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. "For who knows a person's thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. Now we have received...the Spirit who is from God, that we might understand...God." Ok, I know I chopped that chunk up, but I think that way we can focus on the point I'm trying to make. So, only the spirit in you can understand your thoughts. So if God's Spirit is in us, that means we can now understand God's thoughts and plans. Half the point of the Holy Spirit being with us and in us is so we can understand what God has prepared for us.

Have you ever noticed how harmonious God's Word is when you actually grab your shovel and dig in?  It's amazing. The flow of the chapter can be confusing at first. It takes a minute to sit there and just figure it out. But once you start to piece the ideas together, it just flows perfectly. It makes perfect sense. And, hopefully, it blows your mind just like it did mine.

Thanks for reading through such a long post. It's been a while since I've been this excited about God... But I'm glad I finally am. Thank you, anyone and everyone that has been praying for me these last few months. I know that my parents have been praying. I know that my boyfriend, his sister, and his mother have been praying. I know that my parents' friends and church family have been praying for me. And I know that some of my own friends have been praying, too. You all, you rock. You get some of that credit for God's awesome moves tonight on my heart. Without your prayers, I don't think I would be in this position once again. Thank you.

Also, I might be changing my college major again. HA.

I'll have to pray about it, obviously, but it's a toss-up between plant biology and ecology stuff vs. Christian ministry. Do I want to own a nursery, or do I want to be a Bible teacher? I really enjoy being able to instruct others in God's Word. And I know it's kind of like one of my gifts. We'll see what God has in store.

It hurts to see others hurt

Do you ever realize that?

I mean, it hurts me, anyways.

I'm supposed to be healing from my own personal hurt. I'm supposed to be getting better. But I make a little progress and then I'm brought back to tears seeing something someone has posted. Tonight, it was a post my boyfriend made on a website. He basically said that if he had the guts to kill himself, he would have a long time ago.

That broke my heart. I don't know how to deal with that kind of statement. I hate seeing him almost in the same position as I am. Those kinds of thoughts aren't healthy, and I can't help but feel like I spread that thinking to him. :(

It sucks.

In brighter news, I'm back on the vegan wagon. I purchased The Kind Diet by Alicia Silverstone earlier this week, and I'm truly looking forward to finishing re-reading it and making some of the delicious recipes in the book. Everything sounds so delicious. Trying the foods better live up to my expectations, haha.

It's also really weird to type when one hand's nails are way short, and the other hand's are way long. Feels imbalanced.

But, yeah. Tonight kinda sucks. I got to see Katie and watch Silver Linings Playbook, but other than that, my mood is kinda killin' it for me. I've got my chamomile tea, so that's a plus. Maybe I'll watch a cozy movie, drink my tea, and go to bed. Church in the morning. What I really want is just a chance to sleep in. Too much to ask? Probably.

Man, I just want a break. I guess I'll get my break when Christmas rolls around. OR NOT. I'll probably have to work Christmas day or something. What a party.

Sorry I'm so mopey tonight. Heh. (Not sorry enough, though. Get over it.)

Struggles

Well, as you all know quite well by now, I'm going through a very hard time. And this very hard time really sucks and I'd love nothing more than to beat the crap out of it. But I can't. So here I am just... trying. I'm trying to get by.

I know what everyone says or thinks I should do. "Rely on God." "Find your strength in the Cross!" But do you realize how stupid that soundsto someone that's going through mental illness? It's just really annoying. My brain literally doesn't act the way others' brains do. I can't process things the same. Simple things like faith and understanding are a lot harder than you think. When little things go wrong, my entire mental structure seems to fail me. Everything goes awry. It just melts away and I can't remember how to function.

It is extremely difficult to continually have to remind yourself that God loves you, family loves you, friends love you, when that's the opposite of what you feel. When you feel so utterly hated and outcast. When you feel so much pressure from the coming day that you'd rather die than have to leave bed.

And I know what you're thinking. "That doesn't make sense...pretty extreme, too." Yep. Exactly. I can't help it. That's the way my mind works and yours works differently and you don't get it.

I'm not okay, and you're going to have to get used to it because it's gonna be a long time before that changes. You can't fix me. Nobody can fix me. So please, stop trying. Just buy me food and lend me your sweats and we can watch Doctor Who. That's the closest you can come to helping me. Stick with it.

Peace.

A forgetful god

I have to be honest... I've questioned God a lot lately. But I'm not sure it was really GOD I was questioning, and not just this idea of Him I was really questioning. I don't think that I'm really thinking of Yahweh when I think negatively of God. I think it's more of just this self-centered version of Him that I've made up. You know, the one who drops everything for you. The one perfectly lined up with your Ryan Gosling ideals. A little bit ridiculous, no?

And those who know your name put their trust in you,

for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you. 

 Psalm 9:10

This was in my Jesus Calling devotional yesterdayyyy I think? I think it was yesterday's. That or today's. But I'm pretty sure it was yesterday's. Haha. Anyways. It kinda hit me. God has not forsaken those who seek Him. He hasn't forsaken me. He's not hiding away laughing at my pain. He's not wondering why I'm still trying. He doesn't have his little Natalie fly swatter to smack me down when I try to get close to Him. He listens. He protects me. He avenges me. Verse 12 of that chapter I quoted up there... here's what it says:

For he who avenges blood is mindful of them;
he does not forget the cry of the afflicted.

He does not forget the cry of the afflicted.

I dunno about you, but I rather like that. God does not forget my cries. He not only hears these cries, but He goes on to not forget them. I mean, He hears millions of afflicted prayers a day, minute, second...moment. He constantly hears us. And each and every cry, He takes the time to remember. That's kind of a big deal. Can you remember every complaint ever said to you? I doubt it. You probably have learned to let those complaints roll off your back. But ours don't roll off of God's. It's a little bit beautiful. Just saying.

I just thought I'd share that tonight.

Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite. (:

~Natalie.

P.S. - B. Reith = ♥

Pursuit.

The leader of the college class at my church challenged all of us for this new year. He challenged us to pick a word for to focus on in the coming year. A word to meditate on. A word to become. A word to really allow to change us in 2013.

When he announced this goal to us, I instantly though, "I should shoot for 'independence.'" I figured it was a good one. I really wanted that. But, as I've spent my New Year's Eve, just with a prayerful heart, worshiping, focusing on my Wonderful Counselor's presence...The song Reckless by Jeremy Camp was playing, and then I realized what the word He has for me this year is.

Pursuit.

It all suddenly clicked.

"I wanna be reckless, because You are endless."

God is all I need. If I follow after Him in reckless pursuit, I won't fail to find Him. He is endless. One day I'll look up and realize I am completely engulfed in His heart because I did not give up. (OK, yes, I already am in His heart. I know. But to really fully know it, and feel it, and be it.)

Jeremiah 29:11-14a says,

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord...

I have much to pursue in this coming year. I am pursuing a good job. I am pursuing independence. I am pursuing a restoration of joy. And I know that the only way my pursuit will be complete is if I pursue God. Especially in my pursuit for healing.

This last year has taken an emotional toll on me. I've struggled so much with family, goals, the future, peace... All of it. Clinical depression and anxiety has kicked my butt, and I've finally gotten the help I need. (See, when you are overwhelmed, you have to learn to tag-team. You gotta reach out and find help to tackle the monster that's staring you down.) I have hope. It's been so long since I've felt this. HOPE. I don't normally get emotional about stuff, either...but the thought of this new-found hope is really taking me over. Tears come to my eyes as I write this. I have hope for 2013. I have hope for knowing God's presence. I will pursue Him. I will allow him to permeate my life and my soul. He will become part of me, because for all my life and before, I have been part of Him. (It's a metaphor, not Buddhism, ok? Just to clear that up. Haha.)

I'm wiping my slate clean of all that 2012 has been. I'm learning my lessons, but forgetting the shame. I'm remembering the blessings and the love, but forgetting the pain and the sorrowful nights spent in a suicidal trance of my own short-comings. I will still struggle. It's inevitable. But I see healing ahead. And I welcome it with all my heart.