Pursuit.

The leader of the college class at my church challenged all of us for this new year. He challenged us to pick a word for to focus on in the coming year. A word to meditate on. A word to become. A word to really allow to change us in 2013.

When he announced this goal to us, I instantly though, "I should shoot for 'independence.'" I figured it was a good one. I really wanted that. But, as I've spent my New Year's Eve, just with a prayerful heart, worshiping, focusing on my Wonderful Counselor's presence...The song Reckless by Jeremy Camp was playing, and then I realized what the word He has for me this year is.

Pursuit.

It all suddenly clicked.

"I wanna be reckless, because You are endless."

God is all I need. If I follow after Him in reckless pursuit, I won't fail to find Him. He is endless. One day I'll look up and realize I am completely engulfed in His heart because I did not give up. (OK, yes, I already am in His heart. I know. But to really fully know it, and feel it, and be it.)

Jeremiah 29:11-14a says,

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord...

I have much to pursue in this coming year. I am pursuing a good job. I am pursuing independence. I am pursuing a restoration of joy. And I know that the only way my pursuit will be complete is if I pursue God. Especially in my pursuit for healing.

This last year has taken an emotional toll on me. I've struggled so much with family, goals, the future, peace... All of it. Clinical depression and anxiety has kicked my butt, and I've finally gotten the help I need. (See, when you are overwhelmed, you have to learn to tag-team. You gotta reach out and find help to tackle the monster that's staring you down.) I have hope. It's been so long since I've felt this. HOPE. I don't normally get emotional about stuff, either...but the thought of this new-found hope is really taking me over. Tears come to my eyes as I write this. I have hope for 2013. I have hope for knowing God's presence. I will pursue Him. I will allow him to permeate my life and my soul. He will become part of me, because for all my life and before, I have been part of Him. (It's a metaphor, not Buddhism, ok? Just to clear that up. Haha.)

I'm wiping my slate clean of all that 2012 has been. I'm learning my lessons, but forgetting the shame. I'm remembering the blessings and the love, but forgetting the pain and the sorrowful nights spent in a suicidal trance of my own short-comings. I will still struggle. It's inevitable. But I see healing ahead. And I welcome it with all my heart.