Hard Times.

I have my struggles just like anyone else. Sometimes, I feel like mine are worse. It can be so hard to find joy when I'm just really trying to fight off the terrible thoughts that accompany my depression. Spending time in the Bible has really helped me a lot. It helps me avert my attention from my self-pitying miseries, and back to Christ and the joy I can receive through live in Him.

I just started reading Philippians today, which is known to be a book about joy. After a tough evening, and deciding to use my Sunday for a break, it seems like the perfect time to be reading this. One of the chunks of verses that stuck out to me is Philippians 1:19-26.

For I know that this shall turn to my salvation through your prayer, and the supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, according to my earnest expectation and my hope, that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but that with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ shall be magnified in my body, whether it be by life, or by death. For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. But if I live in the flesh, this is the fruit of my labour: yet what shall I choose I wot not. For I am in a strait betwixt two, having  to desire to depart, and to be with Christ; which is far better: nevertheless to abide in the flesh is more needful for you. And having this confidence, I know that I shall abide and continue with you all for your furtherance and joy of faith; that your rejoicing may be more abundant in Jesus Christ for me by my coming to you again.

I feel like all this means that no matter what happens, we need to remember that it is for the glory of Christ. As a result, we have nothing to be ashamed of, and nothing to fear. All that God has put in our lives will somehow be for His glory and for our joy. I find myself in the apostle Paul's shoes a lot, I think. I so often just want to be done with life. I want to go to my eternal home in glory. But I can't. Not yet, anyways. I have so much to do here, and more that I don't even know about. God is not done with me yet, that's why I'm still here. He has more plans to carry out through me. (Just go read all of Philippians 1! He talks about God completing his work in us earlier on in the chapter.) Anyways. Knowing that God has more plans for me that I have yet to live out, and I need to stick around and be with friends and family, encouraging and helping them, and by that, I can find purpose in why I'm still on the earth. "I know that I shall abide and continue with you all for your furtherance and joy of faith; that your rejoicing may be more abundant in Jesus Christ for me by my coming to you again." I may not want to go on, but that is selfish thinking. If I think about how I can help others and encourage them then I can keep those negative thoughts at bay.

My mom has been talking to me about this stuff a lot lately. I finally straight up told her about everything I'm going through last night and she knows and understands it all. We have a lot in common, actually. And she's struggled with depression just the same as me. It's so comforting to know that when I think nobody understands, God has given me my mother who has felt the exact same way as me. Not only that, but God understands, too! He's been through more than I ever have. Needless to say I love Him for this. And I love my mom so so so much.

I am very blessed to have parents and friends and even a boyfriend who are all so very patient with me when I'm going through harder times and focused so much on myself. I'm so thankful for them. Today is about recovery and focusing on all I have to be thankful for. Taking a break from all the work that wears me down on Sundays, and remembering how much I have to be thankful for. And there's a lot of that.

Love and prayers,

Natalie.