This thought hit me at dinner today, and I'm not sure why. Might be all the mature conversation my father and I enjoy when we hang out, haha. But, really. I was just sitting there, and I thought, "Can I really say I love God if I don't feel much of anything?"
See, this is something that usually haunts me. I say I love people, (my family, boyfriend, best friend) but I don't usually feel that big love-y feeling swooping out of my heart. I know some people who do, though. They practically mold their lives around this feeling. I really don't know how they even feel so much all the time. One of those things that almost annoys me, even. But, this is because I'm a pretty numb person. Yeah, I have those emotions that sweep over me and change my outlook, but those are usually negative. I'm not typically very happy or gushy over something someone has said or done. I'm pretty disconnected. I don't know why, but I spent half my life disconnecting myself from the world. I even have trouble recognizing God's beautiful creation for what it is now because I can't appreciate things fully from so far off. Makes me feel like crap.
But, the statement still stands. I love my mom, dad, brother, and sometimes my sister. (Ha ha just kidding, I love her anyways, even if she is beyond comprehension.) I love Joey a ton. I love my best friends, too. I don't know this because they make me feel good all the time, though. 'Cause if that were my judge, I'd hate everyone. Ha ha ha. Seriously, though, people make me feel terrible. So, if how they make me feel all the time were my judge, I wouldn't say I love them too terribly much.
Love is a verb.
This changes it all. Seeing that love is an action, something I DO, it changes the whole perspective. My heart doesn't usually skip a beat when Joey smiles at me. (That's something people would say is love. "My heart just skips a beat whenever I see him!" FALSE.) If it did, that would just be a sign of my physical attraction towards him. (So, don't follow those heart palpitations to find your true love, ladies. Bad idea. You'll just end up finding your regrets.) Sure, it used to. But now it's just a warm thing that makes me smile back. I know I love him because I'm still with him, and don't want to change that anytime soon. Because, sure, I don't always feel much for him, but I know if I cut him out of the picture, or he me, I would be miserable. Yes, this is selfish... But, I'd also do nearly anything for him if he asked me. (Nothing nasty.) I want to see him happy.
I translate this thought to my relationship with God.
How do I know I love Him? "Well, He died for me," some might say. Which is a joke. Not that He died for us, but that's how we know that WE love HIM? Child, please. That's how you know HE loves US. Silly, silly, silly. Our idea of love is so self-centered these days. Anyways. Back on track. So, how do I know I love Him? How do I show that? By sticking with Him. Sure, I drift away sometimes, but I always come back to Him. My relationship with Jesus has some dry seasons, but they're my own fault for not watering it. It doesn't mean I don't love Him as much, it's just that I get weary. Just like I get weary being with Joey sometimes. But I'm still with God. I'm still following Him. I know I must love Him, if I'm seeking Him out.
This is how I know I love God: by the fact that I lay my life down to Him still, even when I can't always hear His voice guiding me. I still spend time with Him, even if I can't feel His presence washing over me. I still tell Him all my woes, my joys, and trust Him. I'm still with Him. To the end. It's like we're married. I don't always have this overwhelming emotion stirring up. I'm not sure that'd ever be possible for me. But I take on the action of love for God. It keeps the relationship alive.
Yep.
I just wanted to write that all out.
Thanks for reading, whoever.
♥
Natalie
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