I feel that at some point in every person's life, we go through a really hard emotional trial that causes us to flee. Flee from what? Lots of things, I'm sure. Most of us will flee from exactly what we need to run to.
I'm going through a trial right now. It's hard. It's awfully, horribly hard. But... isn't that the point? Isn't the whole point to rely on God and not on my own strength? That's one of the funny things about trials. They break you. Into a million pieces. Okay, not all trials are that way, but everyone goes through one or two that does that. You have to be broken to need support. And, Lord knows, I'm broken. I'm scattered all over the place. (Get your broom ready, Lord! Sweep me up?) And it's awful.
The worst part is that I ran. Okay, maybe not ran... I scooted. I scooted away. He'd try to put His arm over me and keep me safe... and I scooted away. You know, because when you're hurting, and the last thing you want is to be touched? You just reject everything and everyone that comes close to you? That's what I did. And I was particularly awful about it towards my Dearest. And I still am. I'm trying to undo all my scoots away. I'm scooting in closer. (Ohh, I love this part... because He says if I draw near to Him, He will draw near to me... so I know that with every step I take in His direction... He's taking one, or two!, in mine...)
I really just broke down to the point where I needed something to hold on to. After spending so much time settling for mere distractions... I needed a real life preserver, not just pretty pictures to look at while I drowned. So I finally dug into some Scripture. I hadn't really fully neglected reading my Bible. But I wasn't really fully reading it. I would just read it and be done. I'd pray a little. My heart was numb, though. Just iced over. Rejecting every word I read. "The Lord is a very present help..." HA! my heart would say. I'm the exception. I'm not really supposed to be here. His promises aren't meant for me. He's not here with me... I believed lies. Too many lies. I have to weed them out, now. I have to weed and weed and weed... and wait for His promises to renew me...
Anyways. I finally got into some Bible time tonight and seriously just kept reading until He spoke. Reading some words to check "read Bible" off of my to do list wasn't going to be enough tonight. I wasn't going to give up until I felt "He meant me to know this..." tonight. And It didn't take long.
I got to I John 2:28...
And now, little children, abide in him, so that when he appears we may have confidence and not shrink from him in shame at his coming.
I know, it's a really simple verse and doesn't sound that profound... But, man! I've been shrinking away. Trying to hide off in some dark corner where He can't shine. (Like that's possible...hahaha.) What if He really did come back tonight? What if I wasn't ready? What if I wasn't eagerly waiting for Him like I'm supposed to be? What if He comes back and I'm off crying in a corner because I want to die that badly? How selfish is that?! It would be awful. I would be so ashamed. I want to have confidence when my Jesus comes back. I don't want to be sleeping. I want to be working. (Haha you know, kinda like how when your mom tells you to do dishes and you don't get around to it until you hear the garage door opening... but you're working when she opens the door so she isn't disappointed hahaha.) But... yeah. It's gonna take a lot of work. Recovery is hard. But... God has this.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the LORD, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.
I have a future in Him. I can't decide when my life is worthless... only He can. I need to believe this. He's my only way to survive all this, haha. When I draw near to Him... when I stop running and call on Him as LORD of my LIFE, then I will know peace. Then He will get me through this storm. Then I will know the other side. It will take time, but what is that, but a speck of dust, in the light of the eternity I have to spend in eternal bliss? I can't wait... but I have to. ; )
Please be praying for me. If you need prayers, too, though... Don't hesitate to let me know. I'm more than willing to pray for you. And God's more than willing to hear us out. ♥
~Natalie
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