The Breakdown.

I feel that at some point in every person's life, we go through a really hard emotional trial that causes us to flee. Flee from what? Lots of things, I'm sure. Most of us will flee from exactly what we need to run to.

I'm going through a trial right now. It's hard. It's awfully, horribly hard. But... isn't that the point? Isn't the whole point to rely on God and not on my own strength? That's one of the funny things about trials. They break you. Into a million pieces. Okay, not all trials are that way, but everyone goes through one or two that does that. You have to be broken to need support. And, Lord knows, I'm broken. I'm scattered all over the place. (Get your broom ready, Lord! Sweep me up?) And it's awful.

The worst part is that I ran. Okay, maybe not ran... I scooted. I scooted away. He'd try to put His arm over me and keep me safe... and I scooted away. You know, because when you're hurting, and the last thing you want is to be touched? You just reject everything and everyone that comes close to you? That's what I did. And I was particularly awful about it towards my Dearest. And I still am. I'm trying to undo all my scoots away. I'm scooting in closer. (Ohh, I love this part... because He says if I draw near to Him, He will draw near to me... so I know that with every step I take in His direction... He's taking one, or two!, in mine...)

I really just broke down to the point where I needed something to hold on to. After spending so much time settling for mere distractions... I needed a real life preserver, not just pretty pictures to look at while I drowned. So I finally dug into some Scripture. I hadn't really fully neglected reading my Bible. But I wasn't really fully reading it. I would just read it and be done. I'd pray a little. My heart was numb, though. Just iced over. Rejecting every word I read. "The Lord is a very present help..." HA! my heart would say. I'm the exception. I'm not really supposed to be here. His promises aren't meant for me. He's not here with me... I believed lies. Too many lies. I have to weed them out, now. I have to weed and weed and weed... and wait for His promises to renew me...

Anyways. I finally got into some Bible time tonight and seriously just kept reading until He spoke. Reading some words to check "read Bible" off of my to do list wasn't going to be enough tonight. I wasn't going to give up until I felt "He meant me to know this..." tonight. And It didn't take long.

I got to I John 2:28...

And now, little children, abide in him, so that when he appears we may have confidence and not shrink from him in shame at his coming.

I know, it's a really simple verse and doesn't sound that profound... But, man! I've been shrinking away. Trying to hide off in some dark corner where He can't shine. (Like that's possible...hahaha.) What if He really did come back tonight? What if I wasn't ready? What if I wasn't eagerly waiting for Him like I'm supposed to be? What if He comes back and I'm off crying in a corner because I want to die that badly? How selfish is that?! It would be awful. I would be so ashamed. I want to have confidence when my Jesus comes back. I don't want to be sleeping. I want to be working. (Haha you know, kinda like how when your mom tells you to do dishes and you don't get around to it until you hear the garage door opening... but you're working when she opens the door so she isn't disappointed hahaha.) But... yeah. It's gonna take a lot of work. Recovery is hard. But... God has this.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the LORD, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.

I have a future in Him. I can't decide when my life is worthless... only He can. I need to believe this.  He's my only way to survive all this, haha. When I draw near to Him... when I stop running and call on Him as LORD of my LIFE, then I will know peace. Then He will get me through this storm. Then I will know the other side. It will take time, but what is that, but a speck of dust, in the light of the eternity I have to spend in eternal bliss? I can't wait... but I have to. ; )

Please be praying for me. If you need prayers, too, though... Don't hesitate to let me know. I'm more than willing to pray for you. And God's more than willing to hear us out. ♥

~Natalie

My thoughts

My thoughts so far today have basically consisted of:
"Oh my gosh why bother being alive. BED."
"Oh my gosh why bother eating. BED."
"Oh my gosh why can't I be skinny."
"Oh my gosh I have to sing tomorrow."
"Oh my gosh this is awful."
Good day.

UGHH

I really hate this.
I'm stuck all alone. Even though I know I'm not really alone. I hate it. My family does nothing but watch TV. I'm seriously sick of it. Turn the stupid thing off for a night. Would it really hurt? Joey won't even hang out with me. I asked him to, and he said he didn't feel like doing anything and took a nap. Know what he did after he got up from his nap and ate? Started playing Mario Kart with his friends. Like, coooool. You obviously don't want to do anything. And I was supposed to hang out with one of my friends today, but she never texted me. And I saw pictures of her hanging out with someone else today. SO THIS HAS JUST BEEN GRAND.
Like, I'm sitting here feeling awful, and I'm trying to turn it around and feel better... but it's so hard when there's no resolve. I'm praying and praying but nothing gets fixed. I'm just alone and sad and alone. And I'm just trying not to take it out on anyone. I'm so upset, and it's so easy to get mad at someone and take it out on them but I don't want to do that. So my phone's off just to avoid something stupid happening.
So yeah. I'm here. Alone. In my room. Crying with my green tea.
This is just a fabulous night and I really hate my life right now. (I know, I shouldn't. I have so much to be thankful for...)
aoiefjkdv cn;zxkcjeowiajfdeapodisfjjoeypleasejustcallmelikeagoodboyfriendshould.

My Biblical voting guide

Reasons any -Christian- should NOT vote for Obama:

• Abortion is wrong and wrong and wrong. (Psalm 127:3 - Children are a GIFT. REGARDLESS of the situation. Psalm 139 - GOD is the One Who forms the child in the womb, carefully crafting each part. NOT a mistake. Exodus 20:13 - Pretty straightforward. <--which also applies to how Benghazi was handled by Obama and his administration.)

• Homosexuality is wrong, and we should not support it. (Romans 1:23-27 and 1 Cor. 6:9 - God does not support sexual immorality, which includes homosexuality, whether within a "marriage" or not. Genesis 19:4-5 and Jude 7 - God DESTROYED Sodom & Gomorrah because these cities had turned so far from God, and another huge factor was the widespread practice of homosexuality. Why would we want America to resemble these cities??)

• Our nation should SUPPORT Israel, not work against it. (Genesis 12:3, 27:29 - God will bless those that bless His people, and curse those that cursethem. Also, the antichrist will ultimately face himself against Israel. Why would we want to resemble that, either? God's heart is FOR Israel, and our hearts should reflect that!)

Regardless of how this election turns out, I will praise God for ALL He has done. He is mighty and wonderful! "Blessed be the name of God forever and ever, to whom belong wisdom and might. He changes times and seasons; he removes kings and sets up kings; he gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who have understanding; he reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what is in the darkness, and the light dwells with him. To you, O God of my fathers, I give thanks and praise, for you have given to me wisdom and might..." (Daniel 2:20-23) God is ruler overall! He is in control. He orchestrates all of these major events, and even the little events. I just pray all of His people have prayerfully considered voting with His heart in mind. In the end, (and in the now!) He is judge. He will destroy all evil, and judgement for all that has been done here on earth will be passed. So, even if the worst happens now, the best will happen later. "And behold, with the clouds of heaven, there came one like a son of man, and he came to the Ancient of Days and was presented before him. And to him was given dominion and glory and a kingdom, that all peoples, nations, and languages should serve him; his dominion is an everlasting dominion, which shall not pass away, and his kingdom one that shall not be destroyed." (Daniel 7:13-14)
Someday, we won't need to argue about politics. It'll be pretty legit. ♥ Oh, I just can't wait [for Jesus] to be King! (Yeah, that was Lion King style.)

Just a little update!

Here's what I've been up to... I deleted facebook for about a month. It was really getting me down. Booooo. Too much negativity for this girl's taste. I really needed time away from social networking. Time to focus on being human and not part of a silly website. I needed to deal with some stuff. I'm back on it now, though, since I feel like I'm in a way better place with my heart.

 

Now, on to more recent events! ↓

 

Today, I cleaned my room. It was kind of a big deal.

Seriously. My room has been so cluttered and disgusting. It's been terrible. I hardly even had space to set a cup down or sit. Lamesauce! So, I just cleaned it all up. I wasn't even planning it. I didn't even realize I was in the mood to clean. I just...started cleaning. And BAM! Now my room is clean! Both of my desks are cleaned off and organized; my dresser top is cleaned off, organized, and accessible; I moved a shelf that really made my room look cramped; my shoes are now organized and off the closet floor; and, lastly, I now have a knitting basket. I'm pleased as punch about all this! :) Good job, team!

I know my room doesn't look as clean because of how I have everything hanging on my walls and such... But it's my way. Haha. That's just kind of how I cope with little pictures and things. And how I cope with not being able to paint my walls. Gotta have fun somehow!

This last weekend, (Oct. 5) Katie, her mom and I went to the Kari Jobe "Where I Find You Tour" in Joplin. It was phenomenal. Seriously, such a great night. The worship was beautiful, and it really blessed me so deeply to get to be a part of that. Also, Kari Jobe is stinkin' gorgeous. Her eyes twinkle! They twinkle!!! It's crazy! Haha. I got a zip-up jacket and bracelet from her merch table. Both very cute, and both I forgot to get pictures off of my phone and onto my computer of. Oops! Otherwise, I'd post them. So instead, I gave you guys Katie and I lookin' all dolled up for Jesus. (:

Last thought before I run off to dreamland... I highly suggest reading Psalm 16 and really studying it. Take the time to get to know the terminology, (find out the root meanings of "Sheol", etc.) meditate on it verse by verse. It's great. David takes you from just declaring God's trustworthy, constant goodness and next thing you know, you're declaring your constant trust in Him! My favorite verses from this chapter are verses 8 (set the LORD always before me!) through 11. Oh, verse 11... ♥ Such a wonderful reminder. In His presence is fulness of joy!!! YES! How true. So, yeah. Read it through a few times, and then just seriously read it prayerfully and intently. Nestle it up in your heart. ;)

Goodnight!:)

~Natalie

Psalm 116 ♥

I love the LORD because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath! Death wrapped its ropes around me; the terrors of the grave overtook me. I saw only trouble and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the LORD: "Please, LORD, save me!" How kind the LORD is! How good he is! So merciful, this God of ours! The LORD protects those of childlike faith; I was facing death, and he saved me. Let my soul be at rest again, for the LORD has been good to me. He has saved me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. And so I walk in the LORD's presence as I live here on the earth! I believed in you, so I said, "I am deeply troubled, LORD." In my anxiety I cried out to you, "These people are all liars!" What can I offer the LORD for all he has done for me? I will lift up the cup of salvation and praise the LORD's name for saving me. I will keep my promises to the LORD in the presence of all his people. The LORD cares deeply when his loved ones die. O LORD, I am your servant; yes, I am your servant, born into your household; you have freed me from my chains. I will offer you a sacrifice of thanksgiving and call on the name of the LORD. I will fulfill my vows to the LORD in the presence of all his people- in the house of the LORD in the heart of Jerusalem.

I love this Psalm. In a time of anxiety and stress in my life, God really used this to calm my heart. To remind me of His loving mercies and how wonderful and mighty He is to save. I needed to read this so badly tonight. I'm thankful He brought it before me. :) Goooo Jesus. You rock!

"Dearly beloved, I beseech you as strangers and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts, which war against the soul; having your conversation honest among the Gentiles (AKA, the unbelievers): that, whereas they speak against you as evildoers, they may by your good works, which they shall behold, glorify God in the day of visitation. ... For so is the will of God, that with well doing ye may put to silence the ignorance of foolish men: as free, and not using your liberty for a cloak of maliciousness, but as the servants of God." I Peter 2:11, 12, 15, 16.

I read this little chunk of Bible the other day, and it really stuck out to me. It goes hand in hand with what Jesus taught in Matthew 5:16. To silence others' complaints against Christianity by actually being above their complaints. How can they call you a hypocrite if you're not actually acting that way? How can they call you hateful if you're only full of love? Etc, etc. There will be no truth behind their statements if you're living above it all.

"The way of life is above to the wise, that he may depart from hell beneath." Proverbs 15:24.

Good is above evil. Take the high road, don't be afraid of coming across as prudish. It doesn't matter what others think. If their biggest problem with you is that you don't live dirty enough, I think you're doing pretty good. What matters is God's opinion. He has a standard for your life, it's your duty to at least try to live up to it. Be separate from evil. Cool? Cool.