What does it mean to love God?

This thought hit me at dinner today, and I'm not sure why. Might be all the mature conversation my father and I enjoy when we hang out, haha. But, really. I was just sitting there, and I thought, "Can I really say I love God if I don't feel much of anything?"

See, this is something that usually haunts me. I say I love people, (my family, boyfriend, best friend) but I don't usually feel that big love-y feeling swooping out of my heart. I know some people who do, though. They practically mold their lives around this feeling. I really don't know how they even feel so much all the time. One of those things that almost annoys me, even. But, this is because I'm a pretty numb person. Yeah, I have those emotions that sweep over me and change my outlook, but those are usually negative. I'm not typically very happy or gushy over something someone has said or done. I'm pretty disconnected. I don't know why, but I spent half my life disconnecting myself from the world. I even have trouble recognizing God's beautiful creation for what it is now because I can't appreciate things fully from so far off. Makes me feel like crap.

But, the statement still stands. I love my mom, dad, brother, and sometimes my sister. (Ha ha just kidding, I love her anyways, even if she is beyond comprehension.) I love Joey a ton. I love my best friends, too. I don't know this because they make me feel good all the time, though. 'Cause if that were my judge, I'd hate everyone. Ha ha ha. Seriously, though, people make me feel terrible. So, if how they make me feel all the time were my judge, I wouldn't say I love them too terribly much.

Love is a verb.

This changes it all. Seeing that love is an action, something I DO, it changes the whole perspective. My heart doesn't usually skip a beat when Joey smiles at me. (That's something people would say is love. "My heart just skips a beat whenever I see him!" FALSE.) If it did, that would just be a sign of my physical attraction towards him. (So, don't follow those heart palpitations to find your true love, ladies. Bad idea. You'll just end up finding your regrets.) Sure, it used to. But now it's just a warm thing that makes me smile back. I know I love him because I'm still with him, and don't want to change that anytime soon. Because, sure, I don't always feel much for him, but I know if I cut him out of the picture, or he me, I would be miserable. Yes, this is selfish... But, I'd also do nearly anything for him if he asked me. (Nothing nasty.) I want to see him happy.

I translate this thought to my relationship with God.

How do I know I love Him? "Well, He died for me," some might say. Which is a joke. Not that He died for us, but that's how we know that WE love HIM? Child, please. That's how you know HE loves US. Silly, silly, silly. Our idea of love is so self-centered these days. Anyways. Back on track. So, how do I know I love Him? How do I show that? By sticking with Him. Sure, I drift away sometimes, but I always come back to Him. My relationship with Jesus has some dry seasons, but they're my own fault for not watering it. It doesn't mean I don't love Him as much, it's just that I get weary. Just like I get weary being with Joey sometimes. But I'm still with God. I'm still following Him. I know I must love Him, if I'm seeking Him out.

This is how I know I love God: by the fact that I lay my life down to Him still, even when  I can't always hear His voice guiding me. I still spend time with Him, even if I can't feel His presence washing over me. I still tell Him all my woes, my joys, and trust Him. I'm still with Him. To the end. It's like we're married. I don't always have this overwhelming emotion stirring up. I'm not sure that'd ever be possible for me. But I take on the action of love for God. It keeps the relationship alive.

Yep.

I just wanted to write that all out.

Thanks for reading, whoever.

♥

Natalie

College

Goodness, gracious. College-searching and consideration is stressful. God's got big plans, and my little head has trouble wrapping around the possibility of them.

Three weeks ago, I officially surrendered my life to His plans. I had thought before that I was already surrendered. But in the midst of a powerful service at a conference I attended with the girls from my youth group, He kept asking me, "Are you sure you're not holding something back?" I was like, "Duhh! I gave it all to you! Remember?" But, I wasn't really thinking about the future. I was just thinking about my 'now' moments, where I'm just all worshiping Him and not holding anything I currently have back from Him. It hit me, though. Out of the blue. I was like, yeah, I'll be a worship leader. I already knew that's what He wanted. But, I was ignoring what that meant. Out of my disdain for Bible colleges and how our worldly, Americanized views have made them a necessity, I was refusing to say I'd go to one. But, if I'm to lead worship in a church, how am I ever to get there without proper training and the certification to show a church that I can do the job? So, in that prayerful hour, I told Him yes. I gave it all up. I un-clenched my hands from my fears of expenses and requirements. I let it all slip out in order to hold His hand. His hand that would guide me through. (My, gosh! I sound so cheesy right now. I love it. Ha ha ha ha.)

Now is the test. The test to see if I'm really dedicated. If I'm really willing. My favorite school I've found, so far, is Christ For The Nations Institute in Dallas. It's only about $10K/year, which is far more reasonable than any of the other Christian schools I've looked through. And their worship program is exactly what I'm looking for. It doesn't have so much to do with theory and such as it does with practical ministry. The school isn't accredited, but I'm not really looking for accreditation. I'm just looking for practical training, and a degree that the right church will recognize and consider me for. CFNI really is my favorite. The application process is a bit more extensive than most, but I understand. They want to make sure they're taking on dedicated people. I need to have a physician do a physical and fill out a bit of a form, so I'll be needing to actually talk to my parents about this school soon.

I can tell that Satan is using my fear of that talk. I know he is. He wants me to give up by planting this idea of my parents' disapproval in my mind. CFNI is a charismatic-based school, and my parents don't exactly approve of the movement thereof. (Believe me, I've heard my dad rant just because a woman, whom I think to be just wonderful for her actions, raises her hands in praise.) But, I know God will make a way if this is the right path. If my parents don't want me to go there, then I'll have to find somewhere else. I cannot obey God's will and disobey Him at the same time.  So, I'm praying for the best. I'm praying for support. I'm praying for the means to do all this. I need $50 to send in the application. The school isn't accredited, so FAFSA is out of the question. Most scholarships require accredited schools. The scholarships that CFNI offers are not applicable to me. I'm not foreign, not from the ghetto, and I'm not going to be working at my church. It's tough. But, I just need to pray. And talk. Talking with others is one of the best ways to work to a resolve. But, for now, I just need to focus on applying. If I'm accepted, I'll take that to be God's "yes." I'm praying for a specific sign! And He will answer. I love that about God. He did the same for Gideon. He's done it for me, too. When I'm too confused and dumb to see His smaller signs and guidance, He is willing to make things blunt for me. Love. it.

Anyways, if anyone reads this, say a quick prayer for me. Or a long one.

Thank you.
~Natalie

People's drama.

A word for the wise: Stay out of other people's drama, no matter how enticing it is. The only reason I got in this girl's drama was because she and her cousin were using Scripture to support her sin. It pretty much screamed, "COME BACK AT ME, BRO!" and I was like, okay, I will. I don't regret it, because I know that there will be hardships for doing what's right, but... man. I do not need that stress. So, I'm retiring from that, haha. I'm almost out of high school, bro. I don't need no drama! I will just stick with praying from here on out... which I suck at. I can never seem to focus enough anymore. I'm losin' my edge, man. Anyways.. yeah. Just don't misuse the Bible and we'll all be good to go. 'Cuz I reallyyy hate stepping on toes. I do. But, the Bible does say to correct your brother when you see them stumble. First, in private. And, if they don't listen, then with someone else. And if they still aren't listening, then publicly, in front of the church. People want to be comfortable, though, and want to do what's politically correct, so they usually just let other people's sin go unchecked. Which is STUPID and kinda makes me mad. Yet, I'm also a strong believer in the whole "do not point out the speck in your brother's eye when there's a plank in yours," deal. I really am. Because I hate finding myself to be a hypocrite. That's why I avoid confronting people's mistakes and stuff like that until it really bugs me to death. I have to look at myself first and make sure God's not using this to point out my own struggles.

Right now, what I really need to do, is focus on growing in my relationship with God, and making sure that I'm not starving that aspect of my life. I don't need someone else's mistakes that don't even touch my lifef to consume my thoughts. God is the One Who get's that place. I can't replace Him with drama... regardless of how juicy it is. I love Him too much. (: Which is an awesome feeling.

:/

Missing that feeling of being in love... The warm fuzzies. Hot cocoa is a bad sub.

Laying your burdens down.

Scroll down to the bottom of the page. Pause the playlist, no matter how great the song that's playing is, just pause it. Pause it and listen to this one:

I'm not gonna lie. I really really really needed to hear this song last night. I thought I had gotten past my hard times and depressive moods, but this one crept up on me the last few days and hit me hard. But, after listening to this song, I realized something: I'm going to have to deal with it. I'm going to have to get through the tearful nights where I feel abandoned. That doesn't mean I'm not laying my burdens down, though.

See, what I've been guilty of lately is telling God to handle my problems. No big deal, right? Everyone asks Him to do that. But where I went wrong was telling Him to take care of it, but still not giving up possession of it. I told Him I was laying my burdens down, but I was still holding them. It's foolish. Zuzu in It's A Wonderful Life even knew better! Ha ha. She told her daddy to fix her flower, and she handed him the petals. She didn't tell him to fix it and then refuse to give up the pieces he needed to fulfill that request.

How often is my heart broken, and I ask Him to heal it, but never give Him the pieces to put back together! I'm truly foolish. It's at those times where I can't figure out why it hurts so much that I need to give up possession of my problems and truly hand them over to the Lord.

Cast they burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee: He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved. Psalm 55:22.

Casting all your care upon Him; for He careth for you. 1 Peter 5:7.

Come unto Me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn fo Me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30

 1) If I let God take care of my problems, and I really let go of them, He'll take care of me. He won't allow me to be moved from His care.

2) Why wouldn't I let go of all my problems? I can't stand them, anyways. And God wants to take care of mine. He cares about me!

3) Goodness, this chunk here is one of my favorite passages ever. Heck yeah, I'm weary from my burdens. He tells me to switch them out, though. He asks me to hand Him my burdens, and I can carry His. And you know what His load is to carry? It's peace and joy and just worshiping Him. It's following His will. It's the easy burden of knowing He has redeemed you, knowing that He loves you more than anything in this world ever could, and being a light to shine out a testimony of Who He is to you. That's pretty easy. When He does so many amazing things, it's hard not to let the world know! He means it when he says His burden is light. And I'm so thankful for that truth today.

I hope this has helped somebody. If anything, this was good for me to type out and get out there. It helps me to remember it the rest of the day, so that when I feel like crying my eyes out, I know I just have to hand my burden back over. :)

Love and prayers,

Natalie

Calmer of my storms. ♥

Who is Jesus to you? Other than your Savior and Redeemer, Who is He in your heart?

Lately, He's been the One Who calms my storms... Life throws some hard balls sometimes, and I've been trying to have a better attitude about it these last few weeks. I'm tired of complaining about the hard stuff. So, I'm trying to be more focused on looking at God instead of myself when things go wrong. One of the best parts of it is that even when I'm upset or something really pressing is staring me down, just worshiping God can turn it all around. Worshiping Him and praying whole-heartedly turns my perspective away from myself and just lets me focus on the Lord. It sounds like I'm just ignoring my problems instead of facing them, but, in reality, when I look at my problems after I've had time with God, they're suddenly so much more simple. He guides us to make wiser decisions when we make sure we're walking by His side. It's wonderful.

I decided to write this post because I just read Luke 8:22-25. It's the story of when Jesus calmed the storm in the Sea of Galilee. When He says to the disciples, "Where is your faith?", it always smacks me... 'Cause every time something bad happens, it's easy for me to lose my grip and just wallow. But, if I am exercising my faith, then I'll just be focused on God, trusting Him to do what He needs to through the situation. It's hard, but I learn lessons through this.

Anyways, I hope somebody got something from this. Haha.

~Natalie

Such a blessing.

This message from Kari Jobe.... Was amazing. And exactly just what I needed tonight. I'm so thankful for this, Lord. It is such an awesome reminder to really seek out Your presence and get there, on a regular, daily basis. Thank You!

I know some of my readers here may or may not agree with this message, but if you have 40 minutes, please watch all three videos. You should be able to find the next two from this first one. Kari preaches from a charismatic, maybe even pentecostal, point of view, and if you're more conservative, just take the major points into your heart anyways. Her message is just so wonderful, and really important for anyone who needs a fresh perspective on worship. It really touched me, and I'm so excited to get to lead worship tomorrow now. So thankful for this! I hope some of you get to watch these videos. Such a blessing.