Psalm 116 ♥

I love the LORD because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath! Death wrapped its ropes around me; the terrors of the grave overtook me. I saw only trouble and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the LORD: "Please, LORD, save me!" How kind the LORD is! How good he is! So merciful, this God of ours! The LORD protects those of childlike faith; I was facing death, and he saved me. Let my soul be at rest again, for the LORD has been good to me. He has saved me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. And so I walk in the LORD's presence as I live here on the earth! I believed in you, so I said, "I am deeply troubled, LORD." In my anxiety I cried out to you, "These people are all liars!" What can I offer the LORD for all he has done for me? I will lift up the cup of salvation and praise the LORD's name for saving me. I will keep my promises to the LORD in the presence of all his people. The LORD cares deeply when his loved ones die. O LORD, I am your servant; yes, I am your servant, born into your household; you have freed me from my chains. I will offer you a sacrifice of thanksgiving and call on the name of the LORD. I will fulfill my vows to the LORD in the presence of all his people- in the house of the LORD in the heart of Jerusalem.

I love this Psalm. In a time of anxiety and stress in my life, God really used this to calm my heart. To remind me of His loving mercies and how wonderful and mighty He is to save. I needed to read this so badly tonight. I'm thankful He brought it before me. :) Goooo Jesus. You rock!

"Dearly beloved, I beseech you as strangers and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts, which war against the soul; having your conversation honest among the Gentiles (AKA, the unbelievers): that, whereas they speak against you as evildoers, they may by your good works, which they shall behold, glorify God in the day of visitation. ... For so is the will of God, that with well doing ye may put to silence the ignorance of foolish men: as free, and not using your liberty for a cloak of maliciousness, but as the servants of God." I Peter 2:11, 12, 15, 16.

I read this little chunk of Bible the other day, and it really stuck out to me. It goes hand in hand with what Jesus taught in Matthew 5:16. To silence others' complaints against Christianity by actually being above their complaints. How can they call you a hypocrite if you're not actually acting that way? How can they call you hateful if you're only full of love? Etc, etc. There will be no truth behind their statements if you're living above it all.

"The way of life is above to the wise, that he may depart from hell beneath." Proverbs 15:24.

Good is above evil. Take the high road, don't be afraid of coming across as prudish. It doesn't matter what others think. If their biggest problem with you is that you don't live dirty enough, I think you're doing pretty good. What matters is God's opinion. He has a standard for your life, it's your duty to at least try to live up to it. Be separate from evil. Cool? Cool.

He won't relent, and neither will I.

I sat down earlier, after a long day of crying over everything and being totally confused about my life.

And you know what I realized? I put off my time with the Lord for way too long. I keep meaning to just have a sit-down talk with God, and just not relent until I meet with Him and really invest my time in Him... But I kept putting it off because part of me was somehow scared of meeting with Him. Some part of me had been somehow surrendered to Satan again and didn't want the Lord's presence. How jacked up is that? The second I realized this, I was like, sorry, bro, but Imma need that part of me back. That's going to the Lord, He can burn that. kthx, ya jerk. Haha. But, seriously. I reclaimed it. I was scared of God for some weird reason. I was scared of His plans for me. I was scared of worshiping Him, even. So weird. So, I re-claimed that part of me that I had lost and gave it to the Lord.

And then, I told Him, I'm not going to leave this spot, I will not close my Bible until I meet with you, and I feel your presence on my heart, and your love and guidance in my life.

And, man, He showed up. It was beautiful. In just eight verses, He gave me this new hope and purpose. Ahhhh Jesus is just so cool. Love Him so much. I read Luke 18:35-43. Talking about the blind beggar that Jesus healed.

As Jesus approached Jericho, a blind beggar was sitting beside the road. When he heard the noise of a crowd going past, he asked what was happening. They told him that Jesus of Nazareth was going by. So he began shouting "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!" "Be quiet!" the people in front yelled at him. But he only shouted louder, "Son of David, have mercy on me!" When Jesus heard him, He stopped and ordered that the man be brought to Him. As teh man came near, Jesus asked him, "What do you want Me to do for you?" "Lord," he said, "I want to see!" And Jesus said, "All right, receive your sight! Your faith has saved you." Instantly the man could see, and he followed Jesus, praising God. And all who saw it praised God, too.

 (I used NLT for this excerpt, except I changed the words to what the KJV had that I felt contradicted what KJV says, haha. Like, when He says "Your faith has saved you," the NLT says "Your faith has healed you," but KJV says saved. I think it emphasizes the authority Christ had on earth.)

Anyways. So, the blind guy would NOT be quieted from seeking out Christ. And Jesus rewarded that loud, unrelenting faith with healing and salvation. How much more should we be unrelenting in our faith?? It kinda confirmed my whole goal of not giving up until I met with God in that moment. I need to start doing this daily. I will do whatever it takes to make sure I have His presence in my day. I will not be stopped from reaching Him, I will not be silenced.

It goes the same for following His calling on my life. People will try to stop me. Including Christians. Perhaps these Christians have allowed Satan to have part of their heart or mind, totally unaware, and are letting him use that part of them for whatever purpose. They just don't realize it. I know I do that a lot. I'll let my pride swell up, or my opinions, and get mad at someone for something. So, the people who get mad at me because they don't believe God would call a woman to a leadership role, to they realize that they are allowing the devil to use them to discourage God's people and hold them back from His plans? I even let the devil's voice hold me back today. I allowed him to cause doubt in my mind about this. But, that's just silly. I need not doubt what God has told me. I just have to follow Him, with childlike faith. I have to pursue that, no matter what. I will not be held back or silenced. I will boldly follow after my Lord. :)

So, whatever adversities are holding you back from Jesus Christ, identify that, give it to God, and let Him burn it away. Once the walls are gone, there's nothing to hold you two apart except yourself. Go for it.

~Natalie

Worth it.

Then Peter said, Lo, we have left all, and followed thee. And He said unto them, Verily I say unto you, There is no man that hath left house, or parents, or brethren, or wife, or children, for the kingdom of God's sake, who shall not receive manifold more in this present time, and in the world to come life everlasting.

Luke 18:28-30 

God makes all our sacrifices for His plans worth it. God has called me out of my comfort zone. He's called me out of the comfort of my home and my family's approval, into something that will be wonderful, but still hard... It's sad to think that in my family, it'd seem that I'd be accepted if I became a businesswoman rather than following God's calling on my life to become a worship leader. It's a bit twisted. And it hurts. But I still have peace with this decision. I still know what God has said. I know my Shepherd's voice. :) I'm giving up my easy life as a dependent here to go to school and work my butt off... I'll be making sacrifices. And God will reward each one greatly. It's comforting.

What does it mean to love God?

This thought hit me at dinner today, and I'm not sure why. Might be all the mature conversation my father and I enjoy when we hang out, haha. But, really. I was just sitting there, and I thought, "Can I really say I love God if I don't feel much of anything?"

See, this is something that usually haunts me. I say I love people, (my family, boyfriend, best friend) but I don't usually feel that big love-y feeling swooping out of my heart. I know some people who do, though. They practically mold their lives around this feeling. I really don't know how they even feel so much all the time. One of those things that almost annoys me, even. But, this is because I'm a pretty numb person. Yeah, I have those emotions that sweep over me and change my outlook, but those are usually negative. I'm not typically very happy or gushy over something someone has said or done. I'm pretty disconnected. I don't know why, but I spent half my life disconnecting myself from the world. I even have trouble recognizing God's beautiful creation for what it is now because I can't appreciate things fully from so far off. Makes me feel like crap.

But, the statement still stands. I love my mom, dad, brother, and sometimes my sister. (Ha ha just kidding, I love her anyways, even if she is beyond comprehension.) I love Joey a ton. I love my best friends, too. I don't know this because they make me feel good all the time, though. 'Cause if that were my judge, I'd hate everyone. Ha ha ha. Seriously, though, people make me feel terrible. So, if how they make me feel all the time were my judge, I wouldn't say I love them too terribly much.

Love is a verb.

This changes it all. Seeing that love is an action, something I DO, it changes the whole perspective. My heart doesn't usually skip a beat when Joey smiles at me. (That's something people would say is love. "My heart just skips a beat whenever I see him!" FALSE.) If it did, that would just be a sign of my physical attraction towards him. (So, don't follow those heart palpitations to find your true love, ladies. Bad idea. You'll just end up finding your regrets.) Sure, it used to. But now it's just a warm thing that makes me smile back. I know I love him because I'm still with him, and don't want to change that anytime soon. Because, sure, I don't always feel much for him, but I know if I cut him out of the picture, or he me, I would be miserable. Yes, this is selfish... But, I'd also do nearly anything for him if he asked me. (Nothing nasty.) I want to see him happy.

I translate this thought to my relationship with God.

How do I know I love Him? "Well, He died for me," some might say. Which is a joke. Not that He died for us, but that's how we know that WE love HIM? Child, please. That's how you know HE loves US. Silly, silly, silly. Our idea of love is so self-centered these days. Anyways. Back on track. So, how do I know I love Him? How do I show that? By sticking with Him. Sure, I drift away sometimes, but I always come back to Him. My relationship with Jesus has some dry seasons, but they're my own fault for not watering it. It doesn't mean I don't love Him as much, it's just that I get weary. Just like I get weary being with Joey sometimes. But I'm still with God. I'm still following Him. I know I must love Him, if I'm seeking Him out.

This is how I know I love God: by the fact that I lay my life down to Him still, even when  I can't always hear His voice guiding me. I still spend time with Him, even if I can't feel His presence washing over me. I still tell Him all my woes, my joys, and trust Him. I'm still with Him. To the end. It's like we're married. I don't always have this overwhelming emotion stirring up. I'm not sure that'd ever be possible for me. But I take on the action of love for God. It keeps the relationship alive.

Yep.

I just wanted to write that all out.

Thanks for reading, whoever.

♥

Natalie

College

Goodness, gracious. College-searching and consideration is stressful. God's got big plans, and my little head has trouble wrapping around the possibility of them.

Three weeks ago, I officially surrendered my life to His plans. I had thought before that I was already surrendered. But in the midst of a powerful service at a conference I attended with the girls from my youth group, He kept asking me, "Are you sure you're not holding something back?" I was like, "Duhh! I gave it all to you! Remember?" But, I wasn't really thinking about the future. I was just thinking about my 'now' moments, where I'm just all worshiping Him and not holding anything I currently have back from Him. It hit me, though. Out of the blue. I was like, yeah, I'll be a worship leader. I already knew that's what He wanted. But, I was ignoring what that meant. Out of my disdain for Bible colleges and how our worldly, Americanized views have made them a necessity, I was refusing to say I'd go to one. But, if I'm to lead worship in a church, how am I ever to get there without proper training and the certification to show a church that I can do the job? So, in that prayerful hour, I told Him yes. I gave it all up. I un-clenched my hands from my fears of expenses and requirements. I let it all slip out in order to hold His hand. His hand that would guide me through. (My, gosh! I sound so cheesy right now. I love it. Ha ha ha ha.)

Now is the test. The test to see if I'm really dedicated. If I'm really willing. My favorite school I've found, so far, is Christ For The Nations Institute in Dallas. It's only about $10K/year, which is far more reasonable than any of the other Christian schools I've looked through. And their worship program is exactly what I'm looking for. It doesn't have so much to do with theory and such as it does with practical ministry. The school isn't accredited, but I'm not really looking for accreditation. I'm just looking for practical training, and a degree that the right church will recognize and consider me for. CFNI really is my favorite. The application process is a bit more extensive than most, but I understand. They want to make sure they're taking on dedicated people. I need to have a physician do a physical and fill out a bit of a form, so I'll be needing to actually talk to my parents about this school soon.

I can tell that Satan is using my fear of that talk. I know he is. He wants me to give up by planting this idea of my parents' disapproval in my mind. CFNI is a charismatic-based school, and my parents don't exactly approve of the movement thereof. (Believe me, I've heard my dad rant just because a woman, whom I think to be just wonderful for her actions, raises her hands in praise.) But, I know God will make a way if this is the right path. If my parents don't want me to go there, then I'll have to find somewhere else. I cannot obey God's will and disobey Him at the same time.  So, I'm praying for the best. I'm praying for support. I'm praying for the means to do all this. I need $50 to send in the application. The school isn't accredited, so FAFSA is out of the question. Most scholarships require accredited schools. The scholarships that CFNI offers are not applicable to me. I'm not foreign, not from the ghetto, and I'm not going to be working at my church. It's tough. But, I just need to pray. And talk. Talking with others is one of the best ways to work to a resolve. But, for now, I just need to focus on applying. If I'm accepted, I'll take that to be God's "yes." I'm praying for a specific sign! And He will answer. I love that about God. He did the same for Gideon. He's done it for me, too. When I'm too confused and dumb to see His smaller signs and guidance, He is willing to make things blunt for me. Love. it.

Anyways, if anyone reads this, say a quick prayer for me. Or a long one.

Thank you.
~Natalie

People's drama.

A word for the wise: Stay out of other people's drama, no matter how enticing it is. The only reason I got in this girl's drama was because she and her cousin were using Scripture to support her sin. It pretty much screamed, "COME BACK AT ME, BRO!" and I was like, okay, I will. I don't regret it, because I know that there will be hardships for doing what's right, but... man. I do not need that stress. So, I'm retiring from that, haha. I'm almost out of high school, bro. I don't need no drama! I will just stick with praying from here on out... which I suck at. I can never seem to focus enough anymore. I'm losin' my edge, man. Anyways.. yeah. Just don't misuse the Bible and we'll all be good to go. 'Cuz I reallyyy hate stepping on toes. I do. But, the Bible does say to correct your brother when you see them stumble. First, in private. And, if they don't listen, then with someone else. And if they still aren't listening, then publicly, in front of the church. People want to be comfortable, though, and want to do what's politically correct, so they usually just let other people's sin go unchecked. Which is STUPID and kinda makes me mad. Yet, I'm also a strong believer in the whole "do not point out the speck in your brother's eye when there's a plank in yours," deal. I really am. Because I hate finding myself to be a hypocrite. That's why I avoid confronting people's mistakes and stuff like that until it really bugs me to death. I have to look at myself first and make sure God's not using this to point out my own struggles.

Right now, what I really need to do, is focus on growing in my relationship with God, and making sure that I'm not starving that aspect of my life. I don't need someone else's mistakes that don't even touch my lifef to consume my thoughts. God is the One Who get's that place. I can't replace Him with drama... regardless of how juicy it is. I love Him too much. (: Which is an awesome feeling.