That's just embarrassing.

Okay, so one of the Kansas representatives we have here in the legislature is a hardcore conservative. He introduced a bill that he says is supposed to protect Christians from being discriminated against... but what it's really doing is discriminating against gay couples. Basically, businesses and religious centers will be legally allowed to deny service to homosexual couples. I totally understand where he's coming from on this, trying to give people the chance to not have to wane on their religious views, but it's really stupid. I know him in real life and I'm just gonna say it: he's acting out of fear. He's nice...but honestly I believe he's mislead on this.
Christians are supposed to welcome persecution in the name of the Lord. Like, if you look at the Apostle Paul's life, you'll see that he never fought the discrimination that came his way. He welcomed it; rejoiced in it, even. He didn't complain, either. He used it as a platform to show God's love even more.
So to see Christians today being asked to do things they don't absolutely love and then they complain and throw a huge fit about it is just embarrassing.
I mean, think of it this way... many Christians don't approve of the consumption of alcohol. But a Christian photographer will still take wedding photos of a couple that has chosen to serve alcohol at their wedding. They more or less don't care. But if you change the perceived sin taking place at the ceremony to be the actual couple, then they freak out and won't do it. And all sins are supposed to be equal.
This is just my view on it. I think people should love each other and accept that they can't dictate how others live their lives. I don't think it's the government's business to be telling people whether or not they can deny business to people. People should be willing to give excellent service to anyone that comes along. Especially in this economy.

Happy Valentine's day. Let's be loving, not fearful and mislead in our attitudes.
As the great Yoda said, "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering."

Old habits are hard to resurrect once you accidentally killed them

I used to be so good at doing things on a regular basis that were good for me. I would read my Bible every day. I would run almost every day. I'd eat salads almost every day. I think I've kind of reversed that these days. I mean, I'm glad that I've at least gotten to the point where I do things, though. I've recovered enough that I'm getting back to having hobbies. I have a hamster again. She's a sweetie and she's very healthy. :) She's not used to me yet, so she still bites me when I stick my hand out for her to smell... but she's biting less hard each time. Haha! I'm back into reading a ton. I'm working my way through The Hobbit right now, which I  know Joey is very proud of me for. He's been all up in arms all the time because I hadn't read any Tolkien yet. Boohoo. I started listening to music again. That's been fun. I love finding new good music these days. The Buzz is pretty good about playing new and interesting stuff, so I usually listen to them over any other stations. If they play too many commercials or anything lame, I just switch to The Fountain cuz they're the next best thing. My job is going well. I really enjoy it. For some reason, everyone seems to think I'm like the wonder employee of the year and it kinda drives me nuts. Cuz I'm definitely not. I see no reason for everyone to expect me to be this great person. It's nice that so many people have confidence in me, but it kinda sucks because then I feel like a huge disappointment or road  block when I do mess up. That really sucks. I'm sorry, guys. I just can't keep up with expectations that well.

So... anyways. The reason for this post. I need to get back into reading my Bible regularly, but with school and work and my inability to get enough sleep, I can't do these rigorous reading plans I used to do when I had nothing else to do with my life. I actually have time constraints. So I'm wondering where to start reading if I just want to hit the reset button on my Christian life. Any suggestions? I just wanna wipe clean the slate of everything I think I know about God, and start over. Get a clear view of Him without anyone else's input but His. Nobody else whispering in my ear, "God is this; God is that." Just God's actual words on who He is and what He's all about. Where shall I start? Suggestions, please!

Thanks, guys. :) You rock.

Natalie

Theories...

Guys, I have a theory.

It's a silver lining theory.

About depression.

I think that after you start to recover from the numb stage... the part where you feel absolutely nothing for anyone or anything... you start to feel things more intensely when you DO feel. Maybe that's because you haven't felt in so long that it's overwhelming. But yeah. When you're happy, you cherish it more. When you see and feel beauty and awe, it is so much more vibrant.

I'm always glad to see those I know who struggle with depression say they're having a good day, or how beautiful the weather is. Because I know they're getting their feelings back. And while, yes, the negative feelings hurt even more than ever before, the positive ones shine brighter than ever as well. I want everyone to experience the brightness that comes with one positive and beautiful moment in their life at least once.

Speaking of beauty, I got an issue of Vogue Knitting. Needless to say... I'm hooked. I'm dying for a subscription! All the patterns are just GORGEOUS, and there's something for every skill level. They even have little articles that make you smarter! How fun is that?! I'm very excited for these future projects.

I'm also excited because I am now a Mary Kay Independent Beauty Consultant!! :-D I know this opportunity is going to take me places. I also know that I want to earn a car! Haha. But, seriously. I would love that. I will be working my booty off to reach so many new goals and heights. And I finally have reasons to dress super classy and buy nice shoes ;) heehee. Can we just skip director in qualifying and go straight to Director? I don't like wearing red... but I can handle gold just fine... haha. But, yeah! Really looking forward to beginning this journey. And I love that I'll be able to take it to school with me, too. Although I'm starting to not really want to go to school... But that's probably just me being weird with my feelings again. I never know what I want much anymore. Oh, well! It's an adventure nonetheless. :)

-Natalie

Phew.

God really pulled me in today. He wanted my attention. I pulled out my iPod for some music while I was about to read in my vegan lifestyle diet book thing, and the first song that played was one of my favorite worship songs from when I actually was into God... Fall Afresh by Bethel Music. I just sat there, basking in the moment...and God was like, "Hey. Come hang out with Me. I miss you. Grab your study Bible and we can talk over that Starbucks drink you have there." So, I did. I paused my music, (because shuffle mode is bipolar and the next few songs were really distracting) and opened up my bible. I picked up where I left off: 1 Corinthians 2. I had already read over the chapter last time I was in the Word, but I didn't go through the study notes and really chew on it for a while. This time, I did.

First off, I really wanna point out how different meeting with God and reading His Word is when you take the time to meet up in worship first. It buffers your heart. It opens you up and gets you ready for something wonderful. It makes you more sensitive to the Holy Spirit, which, you'll see in a moment, allows you to understand the deeper things of God. Once, I heard Kari Jobe say that she doesn't really consider herself to have met up with God if she doesn't cry. (She's totally a crier, too.) Like, she'll sit there in her little quiet time chair and won't leave until God moves her. I think I finally understand that. Just from the little time of worship, I started tearing up. Then, as I read through the passage, writing down quick little notes in my prayer journal and reading the study helps... Jesus took my breath away. He blew my mind. He caused me to understand things I've never even been close to grasping before. I'm getting all teary-eyed just thinking about it. In the moment, little teardrops just kept falling down my face as He revealed truth after truth after truth to me. It overwhelmed me and yet I didn't do my usual overwhelmed reaction thing. I actually embraced it

It was overwhelming in a good way. It was like... I dunno. Here comes a lame analogy... But, you know in kid's tv shows when it's the character's birthday, and all their friends are planning a surprise party, but they feel neglected because nobody has time for them all day? I have felt like that character lately. And God has been that group of friends, trying to get a stellar party ready, doing their best to just bring a smile to my face. I've felt neglected by God. (I'm just being honest here. My feelings obviously are hardly ever doctrinally sound, but I will still share them.) And He's just been waiting for me to show up to the little surprise party He's planned. That moment of surprise when you realize all your friends haven't truly been avoiding you, and they cared enough to throw an amazing party for you, and it really does surprise you and you're just like... WOW! This rocks!! That's what those moments of clarity felt like to me. Overwhelming, but totally welcome. I praised God in those moments. Finally. I just sat there, basked in His wonderful presence, thanked Him for all He is showing me. Thanked Him for the profound simplicity of His word. His Book that is so simple, and yet so confusing. Because it's simple, yet hidden from us. Until God chooses to reveal a truth to us, He allows us to be kept in the dark on that little secret. So we go through passages at times, those times when we don't really allow the Spirit time to permeate our hearts and minds and give us understanding, and we're completely baffled by God's Word. We're sitting there wondering, "What the heck does this mean? How am I supposed to get to know God if He makes it so hard?!"

I got news for ya: It's not actually hard to know God. You just have to be quiet and hunker down.

And I, when I came to you, brothers, did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling, and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, so that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.

Yet among the mature we do impart wisdom, although it is not a wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are doomed to pass away. But we impart a secret and hidden wisdom of God, which God decreed before the ages for our glory. None of the rulers of this age understood this, for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory.But, as it is written,

“What no eye has seen, nor ear heard,

    nor the heart of man imagined,

what God has prepared for those who love him”—

these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God. For who knows a person's thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. Now we have received not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might understand the things freely given us by God. And we impart this in words not taught by human wisdom but taught by the Spirit, interpreting spiritual truths to those who are spiritual.

The natural person does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are folly to him, and he is not able to understand them because they are spiritually discerned. The spiritual person judges all things, but is himself to be judged by no one. “For who has understood the mind of the Lord so as to instruct him?” But we have the mind of Christ.

Isn't all that amazing? We understand nothing of God except what His Spirit reveals to us. We have the mind of Christ, because we have the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. "For who knows a person's thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. Now we have received...the Spirit who is from God, that we might understand...God." Ok, I know I chopped that chunk up, but I think that way we can focus on the point I'm trying to make. So, only the spirit in you can understand your thoughts. So if God's Spirit is in us, that means we can now understand God's thoughts and plans. Half the point of the Holy Spirit being with us and in us is so we can understand what God has prepared for us.

Have you ever noticed how harmonious God's Word is when you actually grab your shovel and dig in?  It's amazing. The flow of the chapter can be confusing at first. It takes a minute to sit there and just figure it out. But once you start to piece the ideas together, it just flows perfectly. It makes perfect sense. And, hopefully, it blows your mind just like it did mine.

Thanks for reading through such a long post. It's been a while since I've been this excited about God... But I'm glad I finally am. Thank you, anyone and everyone that has been praying for me these last few months. I know that my parents have been praying. I know that my boyfriend, his sister, and his mother have been praying. I know that my parents' friends and church family have been praying for me. And I know that some of my own friends have been praying, too. You all, you rock. You get some of that credit for God's awesome moves tonight on my heart. Without your prayers, I don't think I would be in this position once again. Thank you.

Also, I might be changing my college major again. HA.

I'll have to pray about it, obviously, but it's a toss-up between plant biology and ecology stuff vs. Christian ministry. Do I want to own a nursery, or do I want to be a Bible teacher? I really enjoy being able to instruct others in God's Word. And I know it's kind of like one of my gifts. We'll see what God has in store.

It hurts to see others hurt

Do you ever realize that?

I mean, it hurts me, anyways.

I'm supposed to be healing from my own personal hurt. I'm supposed to be getting better. But I make a little progress and then I'm brought back to tears seeing something someone has posted. Tonight, it was a post my boyfriend made on a website. He basically said that if he had the guts to kill himself, he would have a long time ago.

That broke my heart. I don't know how to deal with that kind of statement. I hate seeing him almost in the same position as I am. Those kinds of thoughts aren't healthy, and I can't help but feel like I spread that thinking to him. :(

It sucks.

In brighter news, I'm back on the vegan wagon. I purchased The Kind Diet by Alicia Silverstone earlier this week, and I'm truly looking forward to finishing re-reading it and making some of the delicious recipes in the book. Everything sounds so delicious. Trying the foods better live up to my expectations, haha.

It's also really weird to type when one hand's nails are way short, and the other hand's are way long. Feels imbalanced.

But, yeah. Tonight kinda sucks. I got to see Katie and watch Silver Linings Playbook, but other than that, my mood is kinda killin' it for me. I've got my chamomile tea, so that's a plus. Maybe I'll watch a cozy movie, drink my tea, and go to bed. Church in the morning. What I really want is just a chance to sleep in. Too much to ask? Probably.

Man, I just want a break. I guess I'll get my break when Christmas rolls around. OR NOT. I'll probably have to work Christmas day or something. What a party.

Sorry I'm so mopey tonight. Heh. (Not sorry enough, though. Get over it.)

Struggles

Well, as you all know quite well by now, I'm going through a very hard time. And this very hard time really sucks and I'd love nothing more than to beat the crap out of it. But I can't. So here I am just... trying. I'm trying to get by.

I know what everyone says or thinks I should do. "Rely on God." "Find your strength in the Cross!" But do you realize how stupid that soundsto someone that's going through mental illness? It's just really annoying. My brain literally doesn't act the way others' brains do. I can't process things the same. Simple things like faith and understanding are a lot harder than you think. When little things go wrong, my entire mental structure seems to fail me. Everything goes awry. It just melts away and I can't remember how to function.

It is extremely difficult to continually have to remind yourself that God loves you, family loves you, friends love you, when that's the opposite of what you feel. When you feel so utterly hated and outcast. When you feel so much pressure from the coming day that you'd rather die than have to leave bed.

And I know what you're thinking. "That doesn't make sense...pretty extreme, too." Yep. Exactly. I can't help it. That's the way my mind works and yours works differently and you don't get it.

I'm not okay, and you're going to have to get used to it because it's gonna be a long time before that changes. You can't fix me. Nobody can fix me. So please, stop trying. Just buy me food and lend me your sweats and we can watch Doctor Who. That's the closest you can come to helping me. Stick with it.

Peace.

A forgetful god

I have to be honest... I've questioned God a lot lately. But I'm not sure it was really GOD I was questioning, and not just this idea of Him I was really questioning. I don't think that I'm really thinking of Yahweh when I think negatively of God. I think it's more of just this self-centered version of Him that I've made up. You know, the one who drops everything for you. The one perfectly lined up with your Ryan Gosling ideals. A little bit ridiculous, no?

And those who know your name put their trust in you,

for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you. 

 Psalm 9:10

This was in my Jesus Calling devotional yesterdayyyy I think? I think it was yesterday's. That or today's. But I'm pretty sure it was yesterday's. Haha. Anyways. It kinda hit me. God has not forsaken those who seek Him. He hasn't forsaken me. He's not hiding away laughing at my pain. He's not wondering why I'm still trying. He doesn't have his little Natalie fly swatter to smack me down when I try to get close to Him. He listens. He protects me. He avenges me. Verse 12 of that chapter I quoted up there... here's what it says:

For he who avenges blood is mindful of them;
he does not forget the cry of the afflicted.

He does not forget the cry of the afflicted.

I dunno about you, but I rather like that. God does not forget my cries. He not only hears these cries, but He goes on to not forget them. I mean, He hears millions of afflicted prayers a day, minute, second...moment. He constantly hears us. And each and every cry, He takes the time to remember. That's kind of a big deal. Can you remember every complaint ever said to you? I doubt it. You probably have learned to let those complaints roll off your back. But ours don't roll off of God's. It's a little bit beautiful. Just saying.

I just thought I'd share that tonight.

Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite. (:

~Natalie.

P.S. - B. Reith = ♥

Pursuit.

The leader of the college class at my church challenged all of us for this new year. He challenged us to pick a word for to focus on in the coming year. A word to meditate on. A word to become. A word to really allow to change us in 2013.

When he announced this goal to us, I instantly though, "I should shoot for 'independence.'" I figured it was a good one. I really wanted that. But, as I've spent my New Year's Eve, just with a prayerful heart, worshiping, focusing on my Wonderful Counselor's presence...The song Reckless by Jeremy Camp was playing, and then I realized what the word He has for me this year is.

Pursuit.

It all suddenly clicked.

"I wanna be reckless, because You are endless."

God is all I need. If I follow after Him in reckless pursuit, I won't fail to find Him. He is endless. One day I'll look up and realize I am completely engulfed in His heart because I did not give up. (OK, yes, I already am in His heart. I know. But to really fully know it, and feel it, and be it.)

Jeremiah 29:11-14a says,

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord...

I have much to pursue in this coming year. I am pursuing a good job. I am pursuing independence. I am pursuing a restoration of joy. And I know that the only way my pursuit will be complete is if I pursue God. Especially in my pursuit for healing.

This last year has taken an emotional toll on me. I've struggled so much with family, goals, the future, peace... All of it. Clinical depression and anxiety has kicked my butt, and I've finally gotten the help I need. (See, when you are overwhelmed, you have to learn to tag-team. You gotta reach out and find help to tackle the monster that's staring you down.) I have hope. It's been so long since I've felt this. HOPE. I don't normally get emotional about stuff, either...but the thought of this new-found hope is really taking me over. Tears come to my eyes as I write this. I have hope for 2013. I have hope for knowing God's presence. I will pursue Him. I will allow him to permeate my life and my soul. He will become part of me, because for all my life and before, I have been part of Him. (It's a metaphor, not Buddhism, ok? Just to clear that up. Haha.)

I'm wiping my slate clean of all that 2012 has been. I'm learning my lessons, but forgetting the shame. I'm remembering the blessings and the love, but forgetting the pain and the sorrowful nights spent in a suicidal trance of my own short-comings. I will still struggle. It's inevitable. But I see healing ahead. And I welcome it with all my heart.

My Papery Appetite

Okay, so I haven't had much of an appetite for food as of late... (We can blame my medication for that, I believe.) BUT I am now utterly obsessed with reading. I just can't stop.

I started reading Little Dorrit for a while, but I have an awful way of reading classic literature. It takes a lot of effort for me to get into it, and I think it's because of all those outdated books I had to read for "school." More recent novels are much easier for me to get into. Which, I think, is the case for many. So, anyways, I got bored with LD and my holds at the library came in. At last! I had my hands on The Fault In Our Stars and Where'd You Go, Bernadette. I pretty much devoured them in two days, each. Where'd You Go, Bernadette was pretty good. Rather witty. And I like wit. But... I don't think I enjoyed it as much as I could have, because I had a pretty awful book hangover from The Fault In Our Stars. TFIOS was just so stinking good. I mean, sure, there was some inappropriate content... But it's a heck of a lot better than the crap they throw into movies. I feel like when it's on a screen and audible, it messes up your head more. In books, not quite so bad. You can filter it easier. That's my opinion, anyways. I just absolutely fell in love with that book. (: I really enjoyed it.

I'm on to re-reading Martin The Warrior, now. I absolutely love the Redwall series. And, well, basically... I don't think Brian Jacques could write a crappy book. He was just too good. (I will never get over the fact that he's dead. It's devastating every time I remember it.)

And, tonight, I joined goodreads.com. I found out about so many books I want to read next.... It's kind of ridiculous. Haha. But, I'll do my best not to go crazy.

The Breakdown.

I feel that at some point in every person's life, we go through a really hard emotional trial that causes us to flee. Flee from what? Lots of things, I'm sure. Most of us will flee from exactly what we need to run to.

I'm going through a trial right now. It's hard. It's awfully, horribly hard. But... isn't that the point? Isn't the whole point to rely on God and not on my own strength? That's one of the funny things about trials. They break you. Into a million pieces. Okay, not all trials are that way, but everyone goes through one or two that does that. You have to be broken to need support. And, Lord knows, I'm broken. I'm scattered all over the place. (Get your broom ready, Lord! Sweep me up?) And it's awful.

The worst part is that I ran. Okay, maybe not ran... I scooted. I scooted away. He'd try to put His arm over me and keep me safe... and I scooted away. You know, because when you're hurting, and the last thing you want is to be touched? You just reject everything and everyone that comes close to you? That's what I did. And I was particularly awful about it towards my Dearest. And I still am. I'm trying to undo all my scoots away. I'm scooting in closer. (Ohh, I love this part... because He says if I draw near to Him, He will draw near to me... so I know that with every step I take in His direction... He's taking one, or two!, in mine...)

I really just broke down to the point where I needed something to hold on to. After spending so much time settling for mere distractions... I needed a real life preserver, not just pretty pictures to look at while I drowned. So I finally dug into some Scripture. I hadn't really fully neglected reading my Bible. But I wasn't really fully reading it. I would just read it and be done. I'd pray a little. My heart was numb, though. Just iced over. Rejecting every word I read. "The Lord is a very present help..." HA! my heart would say. I'm the exception. I'm not really supposed to be here. His promises aren't meant for me. He's not here with me... I believed lies. Too many lies. I have to weed them out, now. I have to weed and weed and weed... and wait for His promises to renew me...

Anyways. I finally got into some Bible time tonight and seriously just kept reading until He spoke. Reading some words to check "read Bible" off of my to do list wasn't going to be enough tonight. I wasn't going to give up until I felt "He meant me to know this..." tonight. And It didn't take long.

I got to I John 2:28...

And now, little children, abide in him, so that when he appears we may have confidence and not shrink from him in shame at his coming.

I know, it's a really simple verse and doesn't sound that profound... But, man! I've been shrinking away. Trying to hide off in some dark corner where He can't shine. (Like that's possible...hahaha.) What if He really did come back tonight? What if I wasn't ready? What if I wasn't eagerly waiting for Him like I'm supposed to be? What if He comes back and I'm off crying in a corner because I want to die that badly? How selfish is that?! It would be awful. I would be so ashamed. I want to have confidence when my Jesus comes back. I don't want to be sleeping. I want to be working. (Haha you know, kinda like how when your mom tells you to do dishes and you don't get around to it until you hear the garage door opening... but you're working when she opens the door so she isn't disappointed hahaha.) But... yeah. It's gonna take a lot of work. Recovery is hard. But... God has this.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the LORD, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.

I have a future in Him. I can't decide when my life is worthless... only He can. I need to believe this.  He's my only way to survive all this, haha. When I draw near to Him... when I stop running and call on Him as LORD of my LIFE, then I will know peace. Then He will get me through this storm. Then I will know the other side. It will take time, but what is that, but a speck of dust, in the light of the eternity I have to spend in eternal bliss? I can't wait... but I have to. ; )

Please be praying for me. If you need prayers, too, though... Don't hesitate to let me know. I'm more than willing to pray for you. And God's more than willing to hear us out. ♥

~Natalie

My thoughts

My thoughts so far today have basically consisted of:
"Oh my gosh why bother being alive. BED."
"Oh my gosh why bother eating. BED."
"Oh my gosh why can't I be skinny."
"Oh my gosh I have to sing tomorrow."
"Oh my gosh this is awful."
Good day.

UGHH

I really hate this.
I'm stuck all alone. Even though I know I'm not really alone. I hate it. My family does nothing but watch TV. I'm seriously sick of it. Turn the stupid thing off for a night. Would it really hurt? Joey won't even hang out with me. I asked him to, and he said he didn't feel like doing anything and took a nap. Know what he did after he got up from his nap and ate? Started playing Mario Kart with his friends. Like, coooool. You obviously don't want to do anything. And I was supposed to hang out with one of my friends today, but she never texted me. And I saw pictures of her hanging out with someone else today. SO THIS HAS JUST BEEN GRAND.
Like, I'm sitting here feeling awful, and I'm trying to turn it around and feel better... but it's so hard when there's no resolve. I'm praying and praying but nothing gets fixed. I'm just alone and sad and alone. And I'm just trying not to take it out on anyone. I'm so upset, and it's so easy to get mad at someone and take it out on them but I don't want to do that. So my phone's off just to avoid something stupid happening.
So yeah. I'm here. Alone. In my room. Crying with my green tea.
This is just a fabulous night and I really hate my life right now. (I know, I shouldn't. I have so much to be thankful for...)
aoiefjkdv cn;zxkcjeowiajfdeapodisfjjoeypleasejustcallmelikeagoodboyfriendshould.

My Biblical voting guide

Reasons any -Christian- should NOT vote for Obama:

• Abortion is wrong and wrong and wrong. (Psalm 127:3 - Children are a GIFT. REGARDLESS of the situation. Psalm 139 - GOD is the One Who forms the child in the womb, carefully crafting each part. NOT a mistake. Exodus 20:13 - Pretty straightforward. <--which also applies to how Benghazi was handled by Obama and his administration.)

• Homosexuality is wrong, and we should not support it. (Romans 1:23-27 and 1 Cor. 6:9 - God does not support sexual immorality, which includes homosexuality, whether within a "marriage" or not. Genesis 19:4-5 and Jude 7 - God DESTROYED Sodom & Gomorrah because these cities had turned so far from God, and another huge factor was the widespread practice of homosexuality. Why would we want America to resemble these cities??)

• Our nation should SUPPORT Israel, not work against it. (Genesis 12:3, 27:29 - God will bless those that bless His people, and curse those that cursethem. Also, the antichrist will ultimately face himself against Israel. Why would we want to resemble that, either? God's heart is FOR Israel, and our hearts should reflect that!)

Regardless of how this election turns out, I will praise God for ALL He has done. He is mighty and wonderful! "Blessed be the name of God forever and ever, to whom belong wisdom and might. He changes times and seasons; he removes kings and sets up kings; he gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who have understanding; he reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what is in the darkness, and the light dwells with him. To you, O God of my fathers, I give thanks and praise, for you have given to me wisdom and might..." (Daniel 2:20-23) God is ruler overall! He is in control. He orchestrates all of these major events, and even the little events. I just pray all of His people have prayerfully considered voting with His heart in mind. In the end, (and in the now!) He is judge. He will destroy all evil, and judgement for all that has been done here on earth will be passed. So, even if the worst happens now, the best will happen later. "And behold, with the clouds of heaven, there came one like a son of man, and he came to the Ancient of Days and was presented before him. And to him was given dominion and glory and a kingdom, that all peoples, nations, and languages should serve him; his dominion is an everlasting dominion, which shall not pass away, and his kingdom one that shall not be destroyed." (Daniel 7:13-14)
Someday, we won't need to argue about politics. It'll be pretty legit. ♥ Oh, I just can't wait [for Jesus] to be King! (Yeah, that was Lion King style.)

Just a little update!

Here's what I've been up to... I deleted facebook for about a month. It was really getting me down. Booooo. Too much negativity for this girl's taste. I really needed time away from social networking. Time to focus on being human and not part of a silly website. I needed to deal with some stuff. I'm back on it now, though, since I feel like I'm in a way better place with my heart.

 

Now, on to more recent events! ↓

 

Today, I cleaned my room. It was kind of a big deal.

Seriously. My room has been so cluttered and disgusting. It's been terrible. I hardly even had space to set a cup down or sit. Lamesauce! So, I just cleaned it all up. I wasn't even planning it. I didn't even realize I was in the mood to clean. I just...started cleaning. And BAM! Now my room is clean! Both of my desks are cleaned off and organized; my dresser top is cleaned off, organized, and accessible; I moved a shelf that really made my room look cramped; my shoes are now organized and off the closet floor; and, lastly, I now have a knitting basket. I'm pleased as punch about all this! :) Good job, team!

I know my room doesn't look as clean because of how I have everything hanging on my walls and such... But it's my way. Haha. That's just kind of how I cope with little pictures and things. And how I cope with not being able to paint my walls. Gotta have fun somehow!

This last weekend, (Oct. 5) Katie, her mom and I went to the Kari Jobe "Where I Find You Tour" in Joplin. It was phenomenal. Seriously, such a great night. The worship was beautiful, and it really blessed me so deeply to get to be a part of that. Also, Kari Jobe is stinkin' gorgeous. Her eyes twinkle! They twinkle!!! It's crazy! Haha. I got a zip-up jacket and bracelet from her merch table. Both very cute, and both I forgot to get pictures off of my phone and onto my computer of. Oops! Otherwise, I'd post them. So instead, I gave you guys Katie and I lookin' all dolled up for Jesus. (:

Last thought before I run off to dreamland... I highly suggest reading Psalm 16 and really studying it. Take the time to get to know the terminology, (find out the root meanings of "Sheol", etc.) meditate on it verse by verse. It's great. David takes you from just declaring God's trustworthy, constant goodness and next thing you know, you're declaring your constant trust in Him! My favorite verses from this chapter are verses 8 (set the LORD always before me!) through 11. Oh, verse 11... ♥ Such a wonderful reminder. In His presence is fulness of joy!!! YES! How true. So, yeah. Read it through a few times, and then just seriously read it prayerfully and intently. Nestle it up in your heart. ;)

Goodnight!:)

~Natalie

Psalm 116 ♥

I love the LORD because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath! Death wrapped its ropes around me; the terrors of the grave overtook me. I saw only trouble and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the LORD: "Please, LORD, save me!" How kind the LORD is! How good he is! So merciful, this God of ours! The LORD protects those of childlike faith; I was facing death, and he saved me. Let my soul be at rest again, for the LORD has been good to me. He has saved me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. And so I walk in the LORD's presence as I live here on the earth! I believed in you, so I said, "I am deeply troubled, LORD." In my anxiety I cried out to you, "These people are all liars!" What can I offer the LORD for all he has done for me? I will lift up the cup of salvation and praise the LORD's name for saving me. I will keep my promises to the LORD in the presence of all his people. The LORD cares deeply when his loved ones die. O LORD, I am your servant; yes, I am your servant, born into your household; you have freed me from my chains. I will offer you a sacrifice of thanksgiving and call on the name of the LORD. I will fulfill my vows to the LORD in the presence of all his people- in the house of the LORD in the heart of Jerusalem.

I love this Psalm. In a time of anxiety and stress in my life, God really used this to calm my heart. To remind me of His loving mercies and how wonderful and mighty He is to save. I needed to read this so badly tonight. I'm thankful He brought it before me. :) Goooo Jesus. You rock!

"Dearly beloved, I beseech you as strangers and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts, which war against the soul; having your conversation honest among the Gentiles (AKA, the unbelievers): that, whereas they speak against you as evildoers, they may by your good works, which they shall behold, glorify God in the day of visitation. ... For so is the will of God, that with well doing ye may put to silence the ignorance of foolish men: as free, and not using your liberty for a cloak of maliciousness, but as the servants of God." I Peter 2:11, 12, 15, 16.

I read this little chunk of Bible the other day, and it really stuck out to me. It goes hand in hand with what Jesus taught in Matthew 5:16. To silence others' complaints against Christianity by actually being above their complaints. How can they call you a hypocrite if you're not actually acting that way? How can they call you hateful if you're only full of love? Etc, etc. There will be no truth behind their statements if you're living above it all.

"The way of life is above to the wise, that he may depart from hell beneath." Proverbs 15:24.

Good is above evil. Take the high road, don't be afraid of coming across as prudish. It doesn't matter what others think. If their biggest problem with you is that you don't live dirty enough, I think you're doing pretty good. What matters is God's opinion. He has a standard for your life, it's your duty to at least try to live up to it. Be separate from evil. Cool? Cool.

He won't relent, and neither will I.

I sat down earlier, after a long day of crying over everything and being totally confused about my life.

And you know what I realized? I put off my time with the Lord for way too long. I keep meaning to just have a sit-down talk with God, and just not relent until I meet with Him and really invest my time in Him... But I kept putting it off because part of me was somehow scared of meeting with Him. Some part of me had been somehow surrendered to Satan again and didn't want the Lord's presence. How jacked up is that? The second I realized this, I was like, sorry, bro, but Imma need that part of me back. That's going to the Lord, He can burn that. kthx, ya jerk. Haha. But, seriously. I reclaimed it. I was scared of God for some weird reason. I was scared of His plans for me. I was scared of worshiping Him, even. So weird. So, I re-claimed that part of me that I had lost and gave it to the Lord.

And then, I told Him, I'm not going to leave this spot, I will not close my Bible until I meet with you, and I feel your presence on my heart, and your love and guidance in my life.

And, man, He showed up. It was beautiful. In just eight verses, He gave me this new hope and purpose. Ahhhh Jesus is just so cool. Love Him so much. I read Luke 18:35-43. Talking about the blind beggar that Jesus healed.

As Jesus approached Jericho, a blind beggar was sitting beside the road. When he heard the noise of a crowd going past, he asked what was happening. They told him that Jesus of Nazareth was going by. So he began shouting "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!" "Be quiet!" the people in front yelled at him. But he only shouted louder, "Son of David, have mercy on me!" When Jesus heard him, He stopped and ordered that the man be brought to Him. As teh man came near, Jesus asked him, "What do you want Me to do for you?" "Lord," he said, "I want to see!" And Jesus said, "All right, receive your sight! Your faith has saved you." Instantly the man could see, and he followed Jesus, praising God. And all who saw it praised God, too.

 (I used NLT for this excerpt, except I changed the words to what the KJV had that I felt contradicted what KJV says, haha. Like, when He says "Your faith has saved you," the NLT says "Your faith has healed you," but KJV says saved. I think it emphasizes the authority Christ had on earth.)

Anyways. So, the blind guy would NOT be quieted from seeking out Christ. And Jesus rewarded that loud, unrelenting faith with healing and salvation. How much more should we be unrelenting in our faith?? It kinda confirmed my whole goal of not giving up until I met with God in that moment. I need to start doing this daily. I will do whatever it takes to make sure I have His presence in my day. I will not be stopped from reaching Him, I will not be silenced.

It goes the same for following His calling on my life. People will try to stop me. Including Christians. Perhaps these Christians have allowed Satan to have part of their heart or mind, totally unaware, and are letting him use that part of them for whatever purpose. They just don't realize it. I know I do that a lot. I'll let my pride swell up, or my opinions, and get mad at someone for something. So, the people who get mad at me because they don't believe God would call a woman to a leadership role, to they realize that they are allowing the devil to use them to discourage God's people and hold them back from His plans? I even let the devil's voice hold me back today. I allowed him to cause doubt in my mind about this. But, that's just silly. I need not doubt what God has told me. I just have to follow Him, with childlike faith. I have to pursue that, no matter what. I will not be held back or silenced. I will boldly follow after my Lord. :)

So, whatever adversities are holding you back from Jesus Christ, identify that, give it to God, and let Him burn it away. Once the walls are gone, there's nothing to hold you two apart except yourself. Go for it.

~Natalie

Worth it.

Then Peter said, Lo, we have left all, and followed thee. And He said unto them, Verily I say unto you, There is no man that hath left house, or parents, or brethren, or wife, or children, for the kingdom of God's sake, who shall not receive manifold more in this present time, and in the world to come life everlasting.

Luke 18:28-30 

God makes all our sacrifices for His plans worth it. God has called me out of my comfort zone. He's called me out of the comfort of my home and my family's approval, into something that will be wonderful, but still hard... It's sad to think that in my family, it'd seem that I'd be accepted if I became a businesswoman rather than following God's calling on my life to become a worship leader. It's a bit twisted. And it hurts. But I still have peace with this decision. I still know what God has said. I know my Shepherd's voice. :) I'm giving up my easy life as a dependent here to go to school and work my butt off... I'll be making sacrifices. And God will reward each one greatly. It's comforting.

What does it mean to love God?

This thought hit me at dinner today, and I'm not sure why. Might be all the mature conversation my father and I enjoy when we hang out, haha. But, really. I was just sitting there, and I thought, "Can I really say I love God if I don't feel much of anything?"

See, this is something that usually haunts me. I say I love people, (my family, boyfriend, best friend) but I don't usually feel that big love-y feeling swooping out of my heart. I know some people who do, though. They practically mold their lives around this feeling. I really don't know how they even feel so much all the time. One of those things that almost annoys me, even. But, this is because I'm a pretty numb person. Yeah, I have those emotions that sweep over me and change my outlook, but those are usually negative. I'm not typically very happy or gushy over something someone has said or done. I'm pretty disconnected. I don't know why, but I spent half my life disconnecting myself from the world. I even have trouble recognizing God's beautiful creation for what it is now because I can't appreciate things fully from so far off. Makes me feel like crap.

But, the statement still stands. I love my mom, dad, brother, and sometimes my sister. (Ha ha just kidding, I love her anyways, even if she is beyond comprehension.) I love Joey a ton. I love my best friends, too. I don't know this because they make me feel good all the time, though. 'Cause if that were my judge, I'd hate everyone. Ha ha ha. Seriously, though, people make me feel terrible. So, if how they make me feel all the time were my judge, I wouldn't say I love them too terribly much.

Love is a verb.

This changes it all. Seeing that love is an action, something I DO, it changes the whole perspective. My heart doesn't usually skip a beat when Joey smiles at me. (That's something people would say is love. "My heart just skips a beat whenever I see him!" FALSE.) If it did, that would just be a sign of my physical attraction towards him. (So, don't follow those heart palpitations to find your true love, ladies. Bad idea. You'll just end up finding your regrets.) Sure, it used to. But now it's just a warm thing that makes me smile back. I know I love him because I'm still with him, and don't want to change that anytime soon. Because, sure, I don't always feel much for him, but I know if I cut him out of the picture, or he me, I would be miserable. Yes, this is selfish... But, I'd also do nearly anything for him if he asked me. (Nothing nasty.) I want to see him happy.

I translate this thought to my relationship with God.

How do I know I love Him? "Well, He died for me," some might say. Which is a joke. Not that He died for us, but that's how we know that WE love HIM? Child, please. That's how you know HE loves US. Silly, silly, silly. Our idea of love is so self-centered these days. Anyways. Back on track. So, how do I know I love Him? How do I show that? By sticking with Him. Sure, I drift away sometimes, but I always come back to Him. My relationship with Jesus has some dry seasons, but they're my own fault for not watering it. It doesn't mean I don't love Him as much, it's just that I get weary. Just like I get weary being with Joey sometimes. But I'm still with God. I'm still following Him. I know I must love Him, if I'm seeking Him out.

This is how I know I love God: by the fact that I lay my life down to Him still, even when  I can't always hear His voice guiding me. I still spend time with Him, even if I can't feel His presence washing over me. I still tell Him all my woes, my joys, and trust Him. I'm still with Him. To the end. It's like we're married. I don't always have this overwhelming emotion stirring up. I'm not sure that'd ever be possible for me. But I take on the action of love for God. It keeps the relationship alive.

Yep.

I just wanted to write that all out.

Thanks for reading, whoever.

♥

Natalie

College

Goodness, gracious. College-searching and consideration is stressful. God's got big plans, and my little head has trouble wrapping around the possibility of them.

Three weeks ago, I officially surrendered my life to His plans. I had thought before that I was already surrendered. But in the midst of a powerful service at a conference I attended with the girls from my youth group, He kept asking me, "Are you sure you're not holding something back?" I was like, "Duhh! I gave it all to you! Remember?" But, I wasn't really thinking about the future. I was just thinking about my 'now' moments, where I'm just all worshiping Him and not holding anything I currently have back from Him. It hit me, though. Out of the blue. I was like, yeah, I'll be a worship leader. I already knew that's what He wanted. But, I was ignoring what that meant. Out of my disdain for Bible colleges and how our worldly, Americanized views have made them a necessity, I was refusing to say I'd go to one. But, if I'm to lead worship in a church, how am I ever to get there without proper training and the certification to show a church that I can do the job? So, in that prayerful hour, I told Him yes. I gave it all up. I un-clenched my hands from my fears of expenses and requirements. I let it all slip out in order to hold His hand. His hand that would guide me through. (My, gosh! I sound so cheesy right now. I love it. Ha ha ha ha.)

Now is the test. The test to see if I'm really dedicated. If I'm really willing. My favorite school I've found, so far, is Christ For The Nations Institute in Dallas. It's only about $10K/year, which is far more reasonable than any of the other Christian schools I've looked through. And their worship program is exactly what I'm looking for. It doesn't have so much to do with theory and such as it does with practical ministry. The school isn't accredited, but I'm not really looking for accreditation. I'm just looking for practical training, and a degree that the right church will recognize and consider me for. CFNI really is my favorite. The application process is a bit more extensive than most, but I understand. They want to make sure they're taking on dedicated people. I need to have a physician do a physical and fill out a bit of a form, so I'll be needing to actually talk to my parents about this school soon.

I can tell that Satan is using my fear of that talk. I know he is. He wants me to give up by planting this idea of my parents' disapproval in my mind. CFNI is a charismatic-based school, and my parents don't exactly approve of the movement thereof. (Believe me, I've heard my dad rant just because a woman, whom I think to be just wonderful for her actions, raises her hands in praise.) But, I know God will make a way if this is the right path. If my parents don't want me to go there, then I'll have to find somewhere else. I cannot obey God's will and disobey Him at the same time.  So, I'm praying for the best. I'm praying for support. I'm praying for the means to do all this. I need $50 to send in the application. The school isn't accredited, so FAFSA is out of the question. Most scholarships require accredited schools. The scholarships that CFNI offers are not applicable to me. I'm not foreign, not from the ghetto, and I'm not going to be working at my church. It's tough. But, I just need to pray. And talk. Talking with others is one of the best ways to work to a resolve. But, for now, I just need to focus on applying. If I'm accepted, I'll take that to be God's "yes." I'm praying for a specific sign! And He will answer. I love that about God. He did the same for Gideon. He's done it for me, too. When I'm too confused and dumb to see His smaller signs and guidance, He is willing to make things blunt for me. Love. it.

Anyways, if anyone reads this, say a quick prayer for me. Or a long one.

Thank you.
~Natalie