Pursuit.

The leader of the college class at my church challenged all of us for this new year. He challenged us to pick a word for to focus on in the coming year. A word to meditate on. A word to become. A word to really allow to change us in 2013.

When he announced this goal to us, I instantly though, "I should shoot for 'independence.'" I figured it was a good one. I really wanted that. But, as I've spent my New Year's Eve, just with a prayerful heart, worshiping, focusing on my Wonderful Counselor's presence...The song Reckless by Jeremy Camp was playing, and then I realized what the word He has for me this year is.

Pursuit.

It all suddenly clicked.

"I wanna be reckless, because You are endless."

God is all I need. If I follow after Him in reckless pursuit, I won't fail to find Him. He is endless. One day I'll look up and realize I am completely engulfed in His heart because I did not give up. (OK, yes, I already am in His heart. I know. But to really fully know it, and feel it, and be it.)

Jeremiah 29:11-14a says,

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord...

I have much to pursue in this coming year. I am pursuing a good job. I am pursuing independence. I am pursuing a restoration of joy. And I know that the only way my pursuit will be complete is if I pursue God. Especially in my pursuit for healing.

This last year has taken an emotional toll on me. I've struggled so much with family, goals, the future, peace... All of it. Clinical depression and anxiety has kicked my butt, and I've finally gotten the help I need. (See, when you are overwhelmed, you have to learn to tag-team. You gotta reach out and find help to tackle the monster that's staring you down.) I have hope. It's been so long since I've felt this. HOPE. I don't normally get emotional about stuff, either...but the thought of this new-found hope is really taking me over. Tears come to my eyes as I write this. I have hope for 2013. I have hope for knowing God's presence. I will pursue Him. I will allow him to permeate my life and my soul. He will become part of me, because for all my life and before, I have been part of Him. (It's a metaphor, not Buddhism, ok? Just to clear that up. Haha.)

I'm wiping my slate clean of all that 2012 has been. I'm learning my lessons, but forgetting the shame. I'm remembering the blessings and the love, but forgetting the pain and the sorrowful nights spent in a suicidal trance of my own short-comings. I will still struggle. It's inevitable. But I see healing ahead. And I welcome it with all my heart.

My Papery Appetite

Okay, so I haven't had much of an appetite for food as of late... (We can blame my medication for that, I believe.) BUT I am now utterly obsessed with reading. I just can't stop.

I started reading Little Dorrit for a while, but I have an awful way of reading classic literature. It takes a lot of effort for me to get into it, and I think it's because of all those outdated books I had to read for "school." More recent novels are much easier for me to get into. Which, I think, is the case for many. So, anyways, I got bored with LD and my holds at the library came in. At last! I had my hands on The Fault In Our Stars and Where'd You Go, Bernadette. I pretty much devoured them in two days, each. Where'd You Go, Bernadette was pretty good. Rather witty. And I like wit. But... I don't think I enjoyed it as much as I could have, because I had a pretty awful book hangover from The Fault In Our Stars. TFIOS was just so stinking good. I mean, sure, there was some inappropriate content... But it's a heck of a lot better than the crap they throw into movies. I feel like when it's on a screen and audible, it messes up your head more. In books, not quite so bad. You can filter it easier. That's my opinion, anyways. I just absolutely fell in love with that book. (: I really enjoyed it.

I'm on to re-reading Martin The Warrior, now. I absolutely love the Redwall series. And, well, basically... I don't think Brian Jacques could write a crappy book. He was just too good. (I will never get over the fact that he's dead. It's devastating every time I remember it.)

And, tonight, I joined goodreads.com. I found out about so many books I want to read next.... It's kind of ridiculous. Haha. But, I'll do my best not to go crazy.

The Breakdown.

I feel that at some point in every person's life, we go through a really hard emotional trial that causes us to flee. Flee from what? Lots of things, I'm sure. Most of us will flee from exactly what we need to run to.

I'm going through a trial right now. It's hard. It's awfully, horribly hard. But... isn't that the point? Isn't the whole point to rely on God and not on my own strength? That's one of the funny things about trials. They break you. Into a million pieces. Okay, not all trials are that way, but everyone goes through one or two that does that. You have to be broken to need support. And, Lord knows, I'm broken. I'm scattered all over the place. (Get your broom ready, Lord! Sweep me up?) And it's awful.

The worst part is that I ran. Okay, maybe not ran... I scooted. I scooted away. He'd try to put His arm over me and keep me safe... and I scooted away. You know, because when you're hurting, and the last thing you want is to be touched? You just reject everything and everyone that comes close to you? That's what I did. And I was particularly awful about it towards my Dearest. And I still am. I'm trying to undo all my scoots away. I'm scooting in closer. (Ohh, I love this part... because He says if I draw near to Him, He will draw near to me... so I know that with every step I take in His direction... He's taking one, or two!, in mine...)

I really just broke down to the point where I needed something to hold on to. After spending so much time settling for mere distractions... I needed a real life preserver, not just pretty pictures to look at while I drowned. So I finally dug into some Scripture. I hadn't really fully neglected reading my Bible. But I wasn't really fully reading it. I would just read it and be done. I'd pray a little. My heart was numb, though. Just iced over. Rejecting every word I read. "The Lord is a very present help..." HA! my heart would say. I'm the exception. I'm not really supposed to be here. His promises aren't meant for me. He's not here with me... I believed lies. Too many lies. I have to weed them out, now. I have to weed and weed and weed... and wait for His promises to renew me...

Anyways. I finally got into some Bible time tonight and seriously just kept reading until He spoke. Reading some words to check "read Bible" off of my to do list wasn't going to be enough tonight. I wasn't going to give up until I felt "He meant me to know this..." tonight. And It didn't take long.

I got to I John 2:28...

And now, little children, abide in him, so that when he appears we may have confidence and not shrink from him in shame at his coming.

I know, it's a really simple verse and doesn't sound that profound... But, man! I've been shrinking away. Trying to hide off in some dark corner where He can't shine. (Like that's possible...hahaha.) What if He really did come back tonight? What if I wasn't ready? What if I wasn't eagerly waiting for Him like I'm supposed to be? What if He comes back and I'm off crying in a corner because I want to die that badly? How selfish is that?! It would be awful. I would be so ashamed. I want to have confidence when my Jesus comes back. I don't want to be sleeping. I want to be working. (Haha you know, kinda like how when your mom tells you to do dishes and you don't get around to it until you hear the garage door opening... but you're working when she opens the door so she isn't disappointed hahaha.) But... yeah. It's gonna take a lot of work. Recovery is hard. But... God has this.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the LORD, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.

I have a future in Him. I can't decide when my life is worthless... only He can. I need to believe this.  He's my only way to survive all this, haha. When I draw near to Him... when I stop running and call on Him as LORD of my LIFE, then I will know peace. Then He will get me through this storm. Then I will know the other side. It will take time, but what is that, but a speck of dust, in the light of the eternity I have to spend in eternal bliss? I can't wait... but I have to. ; )

Please be praying for me. If you need prayers, too, though... Don't hesitate to let me know. I'm more than willing to pray for you. And God's more than willing to hear us out. ♥

~Natalie

My thoughts

My thoughts so far today have basically consisted of:
"Oh my gosh why bother being alive. BED."
"Oh my gosh why bother eating. BED."
"Oh my gosh why can't I be skinny."
"Oh my gosh I have to sing tomorrow."
"Oh my gosh this is awful."
Good day.

UGHH

I really hate this.
I'm stuck all alone. Even though I know I'm not really alone. I hate it. My family does nothing but watch TV. I'm seriously sick of it. Turn the stupid thing off for a night. Would it really hurt? Joey won't even hang out with me. I asked him to, and he said he didn't feel like doing anything and took a nap. Know what he did after he got up from his nap and ate? Started playing Mario Kart with his friends. Like, coooool. You obviously don't want to do anything. And I was supposed to hang out with one of my friends today, but she never texted me. And I saw pictures of her hanging out with someone else today. SO THIS HAS JUST BEEN GRAND.
Like, I'm sitting here feeling awful, and I'm trying to turn it around and feel better... but it's so hard when there's no resolve. I'm praying and praying but nothing gets fixed. I'm just alone and sad and alone. And I'm just trying not to take it out on anyone. I'm so upset, and it's so easy to get mad at someone and take it out on them but I don't want to do that. So my phone's off just to avoid something stupid happening.
So yeah. I'm here. Alone. In my room. Crying with my green tea.
This is just a fabulous night and I really hate my life right now. (I know, I shouldn't. I have so much to be thankful for...)
aoiefjkdv cn;zxkcjeowiajfdeapodisfjjoeypleasejustcallmelikeagoodboyfriendshould.

My Biblical voting guide

Reasons any -Christian- should NOT vote for Obama:

• Abortion is wrong and wrong and wrong. (Psalm 127:3 - Children are a GIFT. REGARDLESS of the situation. Psalm 139 - GOD is the One Who forms the child in the womb, carefully crafting each part. NOT a mistake. Exodus 20:13 - Pretty straightforward. <--which also applies to how Benghazi was handled by Obama and his administration.)

• Homosexuality is wrong, and we should not support it. (Romans 1:23-27 and 1 Cor. 6:9 - God does not support sexual immorality, which includes homosexuality, whether within a "marriage" or not. Genesis 19:4-5 and Jude 7 - God DESTROYED Sodom & Gomorrah because these cities had turned so far from God, and another huge factor was the widespread practice of homosexuality. Why would we want America to resemble these cities??)

• Our nation should SUPPORT Israel, not work against it. (Genesis 12:3, 27:29 - God will bless those that bless His people, and curse those that cursethem. Also, the antichrist will ultimately face himself against Israel. Why would we want to resemble that, either? God's heart is FOR Israel, and our hearts should reflect that!)

Regardless of how this election turns out, I will praise God for ALL He has done. He is mighty and wonderful! "Blessed be the name of God forever and ever, to whom belong wisdom and might. He changes times and seasons; he removes kings and sets up kings; he gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who have understanding; he reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what is in the darkness, and the light dwells with him. To you, O God of my fathers, I give thanks and praise, for you have given to me wisdom and might..." (Daniel 2:20-23) God is ruler overall! He is in control. He orchestrates all of these major events, and even the little events. I just pray all of His people have prayerfully considered voting with His heart in mind. In the end, (and in the now!) He is judge. He will destroy all evil, and judgement for all that has been done here on earth will be passed. So, even if the worst happens now, the best will happen later. "And behold, with the clouds of heaven, there came one like a son of man, and he came to the Ancient of Days and was presented before him. And to him was given dominion and glory and a kingdom, that all peoples, nations, and languages should serve him; his dominion is an everlasting dominion, which shall not pass away, and his kingdom one that shall not be destroyed." (Daniel 7:13-14)
Someday, we won't need to argue about politics. It'll be pretty legit. ♥ Oh, I just can't wait [for Jesus] to be King! (Yeah, that was Lion King style.)

Just a little update!

Here's what I've been up to... I deleted facebook for about a month. It was really getting me down. Booooo. Too much negativity for this girl's taste. I really needed time away from social networking. Time to focus on being human and not part of a silly website. I needed to deal with some stuff. I'm back on it now, though, since I feel like I'm in a way better place with my heart.

 

Now, on to more recent events! ↓

 

Today, I cleaned my room. It was kind of a big deal.

Seriously. My room has been so cluttered and disgusting. It's been terrible. I hardly even had space to set a cup down or sit. Lamesauce! So, I just cleaned it all up. I wasn't even planning it. I didn't even realize I was in the mood to clean. I just...started cleaning. And BAM! Now my room is clean! Both of my desks are cleaned off and organized; my dresser top is cleaned off, organized, and accessible; I moved a shelf that really made my room look cramped; my shoes are now organized and off the closet floor; and, lastly, I now have a knitting basket. I'm pleased as punch about all this! :) Good job, team!

I know my room doesn't look as clean because of how I have everything hanging on my walls and such... But it's my way. Haha. That's just kind of how I cope with little pictures and things. And how I cope with not being able to paint my walls. Gotta have fun somehow!

This last weekend, (Oct. 5) Katie, her mom and I went to the Kari Jobe "Where I Find You Tour" in Joplin. It was phenomenal. Seriously, such a great night. The worship was beautiful, and it really blessed me so deeply to get to be a part of that. Also, Kari Jobe is stinkin' gorgeous. Her eyes twinkle! They twinkle!!! It's crazy! Haha. I got a zip-up jacket and bracelet from her merch table. Both very cute, and both I forgot to get pictures off of my phone and onto my computer of. Oops! Otherwise, I'd post them. So instead, I gave you guys Katie and I lookin' all dolled up for Jesus. (:

Last thought before I run off to dreamland... I highly suggest reading Psalm 16 and really studying it. Take the time to get to know the terminology, (find out the root meanings of "Sheol", etc.) meditate on it verse by verse. It's great. David takes you from just declaring God's trustworthy, constant goodness and next thing you know, you're declaring your constant trust in Him! My favorite verses from this chapter are verses 8 (set the LORD always before me!) through 11. Oh, verse 11... ♥ Such a wonderful reminder. In His presence is fulness of joy!!! YES! How true. So, yeah. Read it through a few times, and then just seriously read it prayerfully and intently. Nestle it up in your heart. ;)

Goodnight!:)

~Natalie

Psalm 116 ♥

I love the LORD because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath! Death wrapped its ropes around me; the terrors of the grave overtook me. I saw only trouble and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the LORD: "Please, LORD, save me!" How kind the LORD is! How good he is! So merciful, this God of ours! The LORD protects those of childlike faith; I was facing death, and he saved me. Let my soul be at rest again, for the LORD has been good to me. He has saved me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. And so I walk in the LORD's presence as I live here on the earth! I believed in you, so I said, "I am deeply troubled, LORD." In my anxiety I cried out to you, "These people are all liars!" What can I offer the LORD for all he has done for me? I will lift up the cup of salvation and praise the LORD's name for saving me. I will keep my promises to the LORD in the presence of all his people. The LORD cares deeply when his loved ones die. O LORD, I am your servant; yes, I am your servant, born into your household; you have freed me from my chains. I will offer you a sacrifice of thanksgiving and call on the name of the LORD. I will fulfill my vows to the LORD in the presence of all his people- in the house of the LORD in the heart of Jerusalem.

I love this Psalm. In a time of anxiety and stress in my life, God really used this to calm my heart. To remind me of His loving mercies and how wonderful and mighty He is to save. I needed to read this so badly tonight. I'm thankful He brought it before me. :) Goooo Jesus. You rock!

"Dearly beloved, I beseech you as strangers and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts, which war against the soul; having your conversation honest among the Gentiles (AKA, the unbelievers): that, whereas they speak against you as evildoers, they may by your good works, which they shall behold, glorify God in the day of visitation. ... For so is the will of God, that with well doing ye may put to silence the ignorance of foolish men: as free, and not using your liberty for a cloak of maliciousness, but as the servants of God." I Peter 2:11, 12, 15, 16.

I read this little chunk of Bible the other day, and it really stuck out to me. It goes hand in hand with what Jesus taught in Matthew 5:16. To silence others' complaints against Christianity by actually being above their complaints. How can they call you a hypocrite if you're not actually acting that way? How can they call you hateful if you're only full of love? Etc, etc. There will be no truth behind their statements if you're living above it all.

"The way of life is above to the wise, that he may depart from hell beneath." Proverbs 15:24.

Good is above evil. Take the high road, don't be afraid of coming across as prudish. It doesn't matter what others think. If their biggest problem with you is that you don't live dirty enough, I think you're doing pretty good. What matters is God's opinion. He has a standard for your life, it's your duty to at least try to live up to it. Be separate from evil. Cool? Cool.

He won't relent, and neither will I.

I sat down earlier, after a long day of crying over everything and being totally confused about my life.

And you know what I realized? I put off my time with the Lord for way too long. I keep meaning to just have a sit-down talk with God, and just not relent until I meet with Him and really invest my time in Him... But I kept putting it off because part of me was somehow scared of meeting with Him. Some part of me had been somehow surrendered to Satan again and didn't want the Lord's presence. How jacked up is that? The second I realized this, I was like, sorry, bro, but Imma need that part of me back. That's going to the Lord, He can burn that. kthx, ya jerk. Haha. But, seriously. I reclaimed it. I was scared of God for some weird reason. I was scared of His plans for me. I was scared of worshiping Him, even. So weird. So, I re-claimed that part of me that I had lost and gave it to the Lord.

And then, I told Him, I'm not going to leave this spot, I will not close my Bible until I meet with you, and I feel your presence on my heart, and your love and guidance in my life.

And, man, He showed up. It was beautiful. In just eight verses, He gave me this new hope and purpose. Ahhhh Jesus is just so cool. Love Him so much. I read Luke 18:35-43. Talking about the blind beggar that Jesus healed.

As Jesus approached Jericho, a blind beggar was sitting beside the road. When he heard the noise of a crowd going past, he asked what was happening. They told him that Jesus of Nazareth was going by. So he began shouting "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!" "Be quiet!" the people in front yelled at him. But he only shouted louder, "Son of David, have mercy on me!" When Jesus heard him, He stopped and ordered that the man be brought to Him. As teh man came near, Jesus asked him, "What do you want Me to do for you?" "Lord," he said, "I want to see!" And Jesus said, "All right, receive your sight! Your faith has saved you." Instantly the man could see, and he followed Jesus, praising God. And all who saw it praised God, too.

 (I used NLT for this excerpt, except I changed the words to what the KJV had that I felt contradicted what KJV says, haha. Like, when He says "Your faith has saved you," the NLT says "Your faith has healed you," but KJV says saved. I think it emphasizes the authority Christ had on earth.)

Anyways. So, the blind guy would NOT be quieted from seeking out Christ. And Jesus rewarded that loud, unrelenting faith with healing and salvation. How much more should we be unrelenting in our faith?? It kinda confirmed my whole goal of not giving up until I met with God in that moment. I need to start doing this daily. I will do whatever it takes to make sure I have His presence in my day. I will not be stopped from reaching Him, I will not be silenced.

It goes the same for following His calling on my life. People will try to stop me. Including Christians. Perhaps these Christians have allowed Satan to have part of their heart or mind, totally unaware, and are letting him use that part of them for whatever purpose. They just don't realize it. I know I do that a lot. I'll let my pride swell up, or my opinions, and get mad at someone for something. So, the people who get mad at me because they don't believe God would call a woman to a leadership role, to they realize that they are allowing the devil to use them to discourage God's people and hold them back from His plans? I even let the devil's voice hold me back today. I allowed him to cause doubt in my mind about this. But, that's just silly. I need not doubt what God has told me. I just have to follow Him, with childlike faith. I have to pursue that, no matter what. I will not be held back or silenced. I will boldly follow after my Lord. :)

So, whatever adversities are holding you back from Jesus Christ, identify that, give it to God, and let Him burn it away. Once the walls are gone, there's nothing to hold you two apart except yourself. Go for it.

~Natalie

Worth it.

Then Peter said, Lo, we have left all, and followed thee. And He said unto them, Verily I say unto you, There is no man that hath left house, or parents, or brethren, or wife, or children, for the kingdom of God's sake, who shall not receive manifold more in this present time, and in the world to come life everlasting.

Luke 18:28-30 

God makes all our sacrifices for His plans worth it. God has called me out of my comfort zone. He's called me out of the comfort of my home and my family's approval, into something that will be wonderful, but still hard... It's sad to think that in my family, it'd seem that I'd be accepted if I became a businesswoman rather than following God's calling on my life to become a worship leader. It's a bit twisted. And it hurts. But I still have peace with this decision. I still know what God has said. I know my Shepherd's voice. :) I'm giving up my easy life as a dependent here to go to school and work my butt off... I'll be making sacrifices. And God will reward each one greatly. It's comforting.

What does it mean to love God?

This thought hit me at dinner today, and I'm not sure why. Might be all the mature conversation my father and I enjoy when we hang out, haha. But, really. I was just sitting there, and I thought, "Can I really say I love God if I don't feel much of anything?"

See, this is something that usually haunts me. I say I love people, (my family, boyfriend, best friend) but I don't usually feel that big love-y feeling swooping out of my heart. I know some people who do, though. They practically mold their lives around this feeling. I really don't know how they even feel so much all the time. One of those things that almost annoys me, even. But, this is because I'm a pretty numb person. Yeah, I have those emotions that sweep over me and change my outlook, but those are usually negative. I'm not typically very happy or gushy over something someone has said or done. I'm pretty disconnected. I don't know why, but I spent half my life disconnecting myself from the world. I even have trouble recognizing God's beautiful creation for what it is now because I can't appreciate things fully from so far off. Makes me feel like crap.

But, the statement still stands. I love my mom, dad, brother, and sometimes my sister. (Ha ha just kidding, I love her anyways, even if she is beyond comprehension.) I love Joey a ton. I love my best friends, too. I don't know this because they make me feel good all the time, though. 'Cause if that were my judge, I'd hate everyone. Ha ha ha. Seriously, though, people make me feel terrible. So, if how they make me feel all the time were my judge, I wouldn't say I love them too terribly much.

Love is a verb.

This changes it all. Seeing that love is an action, something I DO, it changes the whole perspective. My heart doesn't usually skip a beat when Joey smiles at me. (That's something people would say is love. "My heart just skips a beat whenever I see him!" FALSE.) If it did, that would just be a sign of my physical attraction towards him. (So, don't follow those heart palpitations to find your true love, ladies. Bad idea. You'll just end up finding your regrets.) Sure, it used to. But now it's just a warm thing that makes me smile back. I know I love him because I'm still with him, and don't want to change that anytime soon. Because, sure, I don't always feel much for him, but I know if I cut him out of the picture, or he me, I would be miserable. Yes, this is selfish... But, I'd also do nearly anything for him if he asked me. (Nothing nasty.) I want to see him happy.

I translate this thought to my relationship with God.

How do I know I love Him? "Well, He died for me," some might say. Which is a joke. Not that He died for us, but that's how we know that WE love HIM? Child, please. That's how you know HE loves US. Silly, silly, silly. Our idea of love is so self-centered these days. Anyways. Back on track. So, how do I know I love Him? How do I show that? By sticking with Him. Sure, I drift away sometimes, but I always come back to Him. My relationship with Jesus has some dry seasons, but they're my own fault for not watering it. It doesn't mean I don't love Him as much, it's just that I get weary. Just like I get weary being with Joey sometimes. But I'm still with God. I'm still following Him. I know I must love Him, if I'm seeking Him out.

This is how I know I love God: by the fact that I lay my life down to Him still, even when  I can't always hear His voice guiding me. I still spend time with Him, even if I can't feel His presence washing over me. I still tell Him all my woes, my joys, and trust Him. I'm still with Him. To the end. It's like we're married. I don't always have this overwhelming emotion stirring up. I'm not sure that'd ever be possible for me. But I take on the action of love for God. It keeps the relationship alive.

Yep.

I just wanted to write that all out.

Thanks for reading, whoever.

♥

Natalie

College

Goodness, gracious. College-searching and consideration is stressful. God's got big plans, and my little head has trouble wrapping around the possibility of them.

Three weeks ago, I officially surrendered my life to His plans. I had thought before that I was already surrendered. But in the midst of a powerful service at a conference I attended with the girls from my youth group, He kept asking me, "Are you sure you're not holding something back?" I was like, "Duhh! I gave it all to you! Remember?" But, I wasn't really thinking about the future. I was just thinking about my 'now' moments, where I'm just all worshiping Him and not holding anything I currently have back from Him. It hit me, though. Out of the blue. I was like, yeah, I'll be a worship leader. I already knew that's what He wanted. But, I was ignoring what that meant. Out of my disdain for Bible colleges and how our worldly, Americanized views have made them a necessity, I was refusing to say I'd go to one. But, if I'm to lead worship in a church, how am I ever to get there without proper training and the certification to show a church that I can do the job? So, in that prayerful hour, I told Him yes. I gave it all up. I un-clenched my hands from my fears of expenses and requirements. I let it all slip out in order to hold His hand. His hand that would guide me through. (My, gosh! I sound so cheesy right now. I love it. Ha ha ha ha.)

Now is the test. The test to see if I'm really dedicated. If I'm really willing. My favorite school I've found, so far, is Christ For The Nations Institute in Dallas. It's only about $10K/year, which is far more reasonable than any of the other Christian schools I've looked through. And their worship program is exactly what I'm looking for. It doesn't have so much to do with theory and such as it does with practical ministry. The school isn't accredited, but I'm not really looking for accreditation. I'm just looking for practical training, and a degree that the right church will recognize and consider me for. CFNI really is my favorite. The application process is a bit more extensive than most, but I understand. They want to make sure they're taking on dedicated people. I need to have a physician do a physical and fill out a bit of a form, so I'll be needing to actually talk to my parents about this school soon.

I can tell that Satan is using my fear of that talk. I know he is. He wants me to give up by planting this idea of my parents' disapproval in my mind. CFNI is a charismatic-based school, and my parents don't exactly approve of the movement thereof. (Believe me, I've heard my dad rant just because a woman, whom I think to be just wonderful for her actions, raises her hands in praise.) But, I know God will make a way if this is the right path. If my parents don't want me to go there, then I'll have to find somewhere else. I cannot obey God's will and disobey Him at the same time.  So, I'm praying for the best. I'm praying for support. I'm praying for the means to do all this. I need $50 to send in the application. The school isn't accredited, so FAFSA is out of the question. Most scholarships require accredited schools. The scholarships that CFNI offers are not applicable to me. I'm not foreign, not from the ghetto, and I'm not going to be working at my church. It's tough. But, I just need to pray. And talk. Talking with others is one of the best ways to work to a resolve. But, for now, I just need to focus on applying. If I'm accepted, I'll take that to be God's "yes." I'm praying for a specific sign! And He will answer. I love that about God. He did the same for Gideon. He's done it for me, too. When I'm too confused and dumb to see His smaller signs and guidance, He is willing to make things blunt for me. Love. it.

Anyways, if anyone reads this, say a quick prayer for me. Or a long one.

Thank you.
~Natalie

People's drama.

A word for the wise: Stay out of other people's drama, no matter how enticing it is. The only reason I got in this girl's drama was because she and her cousin were using Scripture to support her sin. It pretty much screamed, "COME BACK AT ME, BRO!" and I was like, okay, I will. I don't regret it, because I know that there will be hardships for doing what's right, but... man. I do not need that stress. So, I'm retiring from that, haha. I'm almost out of high school, bro. I don't need no drama! I will just stick with praying from here on out... which I suck at. I can never seem to focus enough anymore. I'm losin' my edge, man. Anyways.. yeah. Just don't misuse the Bible and we'll all be good to go. 'Cuz I reallyyy hate stepping on toes. I do. But, the Bible does say to correct your brother when you see them stumble. First, in private. And, if they don't listen, then with someone else. And if they still aren't listening, then publicly, in front of the church. People want to be comfortable, though, and want to do what's politically correct, so they usually just let other people's sin go unchecked. Which is STUPID and kinda makes me mad. Yet, I'm also a strong believer in the whole "do not point out the speck in your brother's eye when there's a plank in yours," deal. I really am. Because I hate finding myself to be a hypocrite. That's why I avoid confronting people's mistakes and stuff like that until it really bugs me to death. I have to look at myself first and make sure God's not using this to point out my own struggles.

Right now, what I really need to do, is focus on growing in my relationship with God, and making sure that I'm not starving that aspect of my life. I don't need someone else's mistakes that don't even touch my lifef to consume my thoughts. God is the One Who get's that place. I can't replace Him with drama... regardless of how juicy it is. I love Him too much. (: Which is an awesome feeling.

:/

Missing that feeling of being in love... The warm fuzzies. Hot cocoa is a bad sub.

Laying your burdens down.

Scroll down to the bottom of the page. Pause the playlist, no matter how great the song that's playing is, just pause it. Pause it and listen to this one:

I'm not gonna lie. I really really really needed to hear this song last night. I thought I had gotten past my hard times and depressive moods, but this one crept up on me the last few days and hit me hard. But, after listening to this song, I realized something: I'm going to have to deal with it. I'm going to have to get through the tearful nights where I feel abandoned. That doesn't mean I'm not laying my burdens down, though.

See, what I've been guilty of lately is telling God to handle my problems. No big deal, right? Everyone asks Him to do that. But where I went wrong was telling Him to take care of it, but still not giving up possession of it. I told Him I was laying my burdens down, but I was still holding them. It's foolish. Zuzu in It's A Wonderful Life even knew better! Ha ha. She told her daddy to fix her flower, and she handed him the petals. She didn't tell him to fix it and then refuse to give up the pieces he needed to fulfill that request.

How often is my heart broken, and I ask Him to heal it, but never give Him the pieces to put back together! I'm truly foolish. It's at those times where I can't figure out why it hurts so much that I need to give up possession of my problems and truly hand them over to the Lord.

Cast they burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee: He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved. Psalm 55:22.

Casting all your care upon Him; for He careth for you. 1 Peter 5:7.

Come unto Me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn fo Me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30

 1) If I let God take care of my problems, and I really let go of them, He'll take care of me. He won't allow me to be moved from His care.

2) Why wouldn't I let go of all my problems? I can't stand them, anyways. And God wants to take care of mine. He cares about me!

3) Goodness, this chunk here is one of my favorite passages ever. Heck yeah, I'm weary from my burdens. He tells me to switch them out, though. He asks me to hand Him my burdens, and I can carry His. And you know what His load is to carry? It's peace and joy and just worshiping Him. It's following His will. It's the easy burden of knowing He has redeemed you, knowing that He loves you more than anything in this world ever could, and being a light to shine out a testimony of Who He is to you. That's pretty easy. When He does so many amazing things, it's hard not to let the world know! He means it when he says His burden is light. And I'm so thankful for that truth today.

I hope this has helped somebody. If anything, this was good for me to type out and get out there. It helps me to remember it the rest of the day, so that when I feel like crying my eyes out, I know I just have to hand my burden back over. :)

Love and prayers,

Natalie

Calmer of my storms. ♥

Who is Jesus to you? Other than your Savior and Redeemer, Who is He in your heart?

Lately, He's been the One Who calms my storms... Life throws some hard balls sometimes, and I've been trying to have a better attitude about it these last few weeks. I'm tired of complaining about the hard stuff. So, I'm trying to be more focused on looking at God instead of myself when things go wrong. One of the best parts of it is that even when I'm upset or something really pressing is staring me down, just worshiping God can turn it all around. Worshiping Him and praying whole-heartedly turns my perspective away from myself and just lets me focus on the Lord. It sounds like I'm just ignoring my problems instead of facing them, but, in reality, when I look at my problems after I've had time with God, they're suddenly so much more simple. He guides us to make wiser decisions when we make sure we're walking by His side. It's wonderful.

I decided to write this post because I just read Luke 8:22-25. It's the story of when Jesus calmed the storm in the Sea of Galilee. When He says to the disciples, "Where is your faith?", it always smacks me... 'Cause every time something bad happens, it's easy for me to lose my grip and just wallow. But, if I am exercising my faith, then I'll just be focused on God, trusting Him to do what He needs to through the situation. It's hard, but I learn lessons through this.

Anyways, I hope somebody got something from this. Haha.

~Natalie

Such a blessing.

This message from Kari Jobe.... Was amazing. And exactly just what I needed tonight. I'm so thankful for this, Lord. It is such an awesome reminder to really seek out Your presence and get there, on a regular, daily basis. Thank You!

I know some of my readers here may or may not agree with this message, but if you have 40 minutes, please watch all three videos. You should be able to find the next two from this first one. Kari preaches from a charismatic, maybe even pentecostal, point of view, and if you're more conservative, just take the major points into your heart anyways. Her message is just so wonderful, and really important for anyone who needs a fresh perspective on worship. It really touched me, and I'm so excited to get to lead worship tomorrow now. So thankful for this! I hope some of you get to watch these videos. Such a blessing.

♥

I'm feeling super thankful right now. I've finally gotten back on track and right with God lately. I was in pretty rough shape after New Year's, not really sure why. Something just changed in me, and it was for the worse. But I'm back at it now. I'm so grateful for my Salvation, and for the provisions of my wonderful Father. It's so wonderful to have food to eat, clothes to wear, a heated home, and a comfortable bed. A computer to blog from. Friends who pray for and support me when they know I need it most. Family that loves me in spite of my bad habits and my bad moods. People who stick with me no matter what, and help me through the rough spots. I'm so very blessed.

God's been working on me to change my heart. I read Luke 6:43-45 today, and verse 45 really punched me in the face, ha ha. It was like God saying, "Do you hear the things that come out of your mouth? The attitudes you have? Here's where it's coming from!". So, I know I need to change what's in my heart. I've embraced poor behavior lately and I have no excuses for it. Sure, watching not-so-wholesome t.v. shows doesn't help, but it's not like I'm being forced to watch them and talk like the people in them. It's my choice. And a poor choice. I need to re-evaluate my life and everything I do, choose what is pleasing to God, not to the world.

Another thing I've been realizing is my need to please people. I'm tired of being a people-pleaser. It causes me to compromise what I believe, and it needs to stop. Just because people don't agree with me and I want to keep the peace. There's a way to keep things peaceful and still stand firm, and I need to seek it out, instead of just being, like, whateverrr. Jesus said that we would be persecuted. In America, our only persecution for the faith is being disagreed with and maybe losing some friends. Is that anywhere near as bad as the people in countries where Christianity is outlawed? No. We're not being killed or tortured. Nobody is coming into our churches and threatening our lives. And even if that were the case, we are still called to stand firm in the faith. As long as God is with us and for us, what else do we really need in this life? We have a better one awaiting! We're perfectly okay, and we know it. So, tell the Devil to shut up and leave you alone when he's trying to convince you that it's too much of a risk to talk about Christ. We have hardly any risk at all here. Matthew 10:28 says, "Don't be afraid of those who want to kill your body; they cannot touch your soul. Fear only God, who can destroy both body and soul in hell." We have no reason to fear man, and turn our backs on God. Turn your back on man, and fear God alone! So stand up for Him. You never know what an impact it will make on others!

So, yeah, that's what's been on my mind today. Oh, and I finished my schoolwork today! Ha ha ha. I'm usually a total slacker, so this is a pretty big accomplishment. : ) Don't judge me! : P

Peace and love,
Natalie :)
SHALOM!

Silence is golden.

I have now officially learned how to keep my cool and shut my mouth when what I want to say is completely destructive.

Feels pretty good to slap that old tongue in the face and be, like, BOOM. Ya do what I say.

Resolutions:)

#1 - Run a lot more. I'm not going to set a specific goal, but I definitely need to commit to more cardio and get my quads back!

#2 - Make more music.

#3 - Get down to 127 and stop hating on my imageee!

#4 - Hang out with friends more, be more social, go to parties. You know. I finish school this year, I will have no excuses!

#5 - Get a job and mooooove outtttt. It's great living with parents and all, and I love mine, but I just wanna have a few years where I can have fun and just have myself in charge. Not gonna go do anything crazy, but I do wanna have the fun times experience(: