Pursuit.

The leader of the college class at my church challenged all of us for this new year. He challenged us to pick a word for to focus on in the coming year. A word to meditate on. A word to become. A word to really allow to change us in 2013.

When he announced this goal to us, I instantly though, "I should shoot for 'independence.'" I figured it was a good one. I really wanted that. But, as I've spent my New Year's Eve, just with a prayerful heart, worshiping, focusing on my Wonderful Counselor's presence...The song Reckless by Jeremy Camp was playing, and then I realized what the word He has for me this year is.

Pursuit.

It all suddenly clicked.

"I wanna be reckless, because You are endless."

God is all I need. If I follow after Him in reckless pursuit, I won't fail to find Him. He is endless. One day I'll look up and realize I am completely engulfed in His heart because I did not give up. (OK, yes, I already am in His heart. I know. But to really fully know it, and feel it, and be it.)

Jeremiah 29:11-14a says,

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord...

I have much to pursue in this coming year. I am pursuing a good job. I am pursuing independence. I am pursuing a restoration of joy. And I know that the only way my pursuit will be complete is if I pursue God. Especially in my pursuit for healing.

This last year has taken an emotional toll on me. I've struggled so much with family, goals, the future, peace... All of it. Clinical depression and anxiety has kicked my butt, and I've finally gotten the help I need. (See, when you are overwhelmed, you have to learn to tag-team. You gotta reach out and find help to tackle the monster that's staring you down.) I have hope. It's been so long since I've felt this. HOPE. I don't normally get emotional about stuff, either...but the thought of this new-found hope is really taking me over. Tears come to my eyes as I write this. I have hope for 2013. I have hope for knowing God's presence. I will pursue Him. I will allow him to permeate my life and my soul. He will become part of me, because for all my life and before, I have been part of Him. (It's a metaphor, not Buddhism, ok? Just to clear that up. Haha.)

I'm wiping my slate clean of all that 2012 has been. I'm learning my lessons, but forgetting the shame. I'm remembering the blessings and the love, but forgetting the pain and the sorrowful nights spent in a suicidal trance of my own short-comings. I will still struggle. It's inevitable. But I see healing ahead. And I welcome it with all my heart.

My Papery Appetite

Okay, so I haven't had much of an appetite for food as of late... (We can blame my medication for that, I believe.) BUT I am now utterly obsessed with reading. I just can't stop.

I started reading Little Dorrit for a while, but I have an awful way of reading classic literature. It takes a lot of effort for me to get into it, and I think it's because of all those outdated books I had to read for "school." More recent novels are much easier for me to get into. Which, I think, is the case for many. So, anyways, I got bored with LD and my holds at the library came in. At last! I had my hands on The Fault In Our Stars and Where'd You Go, Bernadette. I pretty much devoured them in two days, each. Where'd You Go, Bernadette was pretty good. Rather witty. And I like wit. But... I don't think I enjoyed it as much as I could have, because I had a pretty awful book hangover from The Fault In Our Stars. TFIOS was just so stinking good. I mean, sure, there was some inappropriate content... But it's a heck of a lot better than the crap they throw into movies. I feel like when it's on a screen and audible, it messes up your head more. In books, not quite so bad. You can filter it easier. That's my opinion, anyways. I just absolutely fell in love with that book. (: I really enjoyed it.

I'm on to re-reading Martin The Warrior, now. I absolutely love the Redwall series. And, well, basically... I don't think Brian Jacques could write a crappy book. He was just too good. (I will never get over the fact that he's dead. It's devastating every time I remember it.)

And, tonight, I joined goodreads.com. I found out about so many books I want to read next.... It's kind of ridiculous. Haha. But, I'll do my best not to go crazy.

The Breakdown.

I feel that at some point in every person's life, we go through a really hard emotional trial that causes us to flee. Flee from what? Lots of things, I'm sure. Most of us will flee from exactly what we need to run to.

I'm going through a trial right now. It's hard. It's awfully, horribly hard. But... isn't that the point? Isn't the whole point to rely on God and not on my own strength? That's one of the funny things about trials. They break you. Into a million pieces. Okay, not all trials are that way, but everyone goes through one or two that does that. You have to be broken to need support. And, Lord knows, I'm broken. I'm scattered all over the place. (Get your broom ready, Lord! Sweep me up?) And it's awful.

The worst part is that I ran. Okay, maybe not ran... I scooted. I scooted away. He'd try to put His arm over me and keep me safe... and I scooted away. You know, because when you're hurting, and the last thing you want is to be touched? You just reject everything and everyone that comes close to you? That's what I did. And I was particularly awful about it towards my Dearest. And I still am. I'm trying to undo all my scoots away. I'm scooting in closer. (Ohh, I love this part... because He says if I draw near to Him, He will draw near to me... so I know that with every step I take in His direction... He's taking one, or two!, in mine...)

I really just broke down to the point where I needed something to hold on to. After spending so much time settling for mere distractions... I needed a real life preserver, not just pretty pictures to look at while I drowned. So I finally dug into some Scripture. I hadn't really fully neglected reading my Bible. But I wasn't really fully reading it. I would just read it and be done. I'd pray a little. My heart was numb, though. Just iced over. Rejecting every word I read. "The Lord is a very present help..." HA! my heart would say. I'm the exception. I'm not really supposed to be here. His promises aren't meant for me. He's not here with me... I believed lies. Too many lies. I have to weed them out, now. I have to weed and weed and weed... and wait for His promises to renew me...

Anyways. I finally got into some Bible time tonight and seriously just kept reading until He spoke. Reading some words to check "read Bible" off of my to do list wasn't going to be enough tonight. I wasn't going to give up until I felt "He meant me to know this..." tonight. And It didn't take long.

I got to I John 2:28...

And now, little children, abide in him, so that when he appears we may have confidence and not shrink from him in shame at his coming.

I know, it's a really simple verse and doesn't sound that profound... But, man! I've been shrinking away. Trying to hide off in some dark corner where He can't shine. (Like that's possible...hahaha.) What if He really did come back tonight? What if I wasn't ready? What if I wasn't eagerly waiting for Him like I'm supposed to be? What if He comes back and I'm off crying in a corner because I want to die that badly? How selfish is that?! It would be awful. I would be so ashamed. I want to have confidence when my Jesus comes back. I don't want to be sleeping. I want to be working. (Haha you know, kinda like how when your mom tells you to do dishes and you don't get around to it until you hear the garage door opening... but you're working when she opens the door so she isn't disappointed hahaha.) But... yeah. It's gonna take a lot of work. Recovery is hard. But... God has this.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the LORD, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.

I have a future in Him. I can't decide when my life is worthless... only He can. I need to believe this.  He's my only way to survive all this, haha. When I draw near to Him... when I stop running and call on Him as LORD of my LIFE, then I will know peace. Then He will get me through this storm. Then I will know the other side. It will take time, but what is that, but a speck of dust, in the light of the eternity I have to spend in eternal bliss? I can't wait... but I have to. ; )

Please be praying for me. If you need prayers, too, though... Don't hesitate to let me know. I'm more than willing to pray for you. And God's more than willing to hear us out. ♥

~Natalie