What does it mean to love God?

This thought hit me at dinner today, and I'm not sure why. Might be all the mature conversation my father and I enjoy when we hang out, haha. But, really. I was just sitting there, and I thought, "Can I really say I love God if I don't feel much of anything?"

See, this is something that usually haunts me. I say I love people, (my family, boyfriend, best friend) but I don't usually feel that big love-y feeling swooping out of my heart. I know some people who do, though. They practically mold their lives around this feeling. I really don't know how they even feel so much all the time. One of those things that almost annoys me, even. But, this is because I'm a pretty numb person. Yeah, I have those emotions that sweep over me and change my outlook, but those are usually negative. I'm not typically very happy or gushy over something someone has said or done. I'm pretty disconnected. I don't know why, but I spent half my life disconnecting myself from the world. I even have trouble recognizing God's beautiful creation for what it is now because I can't appreciate things fully from so far off. Makes me feel like crap.

But, the statement still stands. I love my mom, dad, brother, and sometimes my sister. (Ha ha just kidding, I love her anyways, even if she is beyond comprehension.) I love Joey a ton. I love my best friends, too. I don't know this because they make me feel good all the time, though. 'Cause if that were my judge, I'd hate everyone. Ha ha ha. Seriously, though, people make me feel terrible. So, if how they make me feel all the time were my judge, I wouldn't say I love them too terribly much.

Love is a verb.

This changes it all. Seeing that love is an action, something I DO, it changes the whole perspective. My heart doesn't usually skip a beat when Joey smiles at me. (That's something people would say is love. "My heart just skips a beat whenever I see him!" FALSE.) If it did, that would just be a sign of my physical attraction towards him. (So, don't follow those heart palpitations to find your true love, ladies. Bad idea. You'll just end up finding your regrets.) Sure, it used to. But now it's just a warm thing that makes me smile back. I know I love him because I'm still with him, and don't want to change that anytime soon. Because, sure, I don't always feel much for him, but I know if I cut him out of the picture, or he me, I would be miserable. Yes, this is selfish... But, I'd also do nearly anything for him if he asked me. (Nothing nasty.) I want to see him happy.

I translate this thought to my relationship with God.

How do I know I love Him? "Well, He died for me," some might say. Which is a joke. Not that He died for us, but that's how we know that WE love HIM? Child, please. That's how you know HE loves US. Silly, silly, silly. Our idea of love is so self-centered these days. Anyways. Back on track. So, how do I know I love Him? How do I show that? By sticking with Him. Sure, I drift away sometimes, but I always come back to Him. My relationship with Jesus has some dry seasons, but they're my own fault for not watering it. It doesn't mean I don't love Him as much, it's just that I get weary. Just like I get weary being with Joey sometimes. But I'm still with God. I'm still following Him. I know I must love Him, if I'm seeking Him out.

This is how I know I love God: by the fact that I lay my life down to Him still, even when  I can't always hear His voice guiding me. I still spend time with Him, even if I can't feel His presence washing over me. I still tell Him all my woes, my joys, and trust Him. I'm still with Him. To the end. It's like we're married. I don't always have this overwhelming emotion stirring up. I'm not sure that'd ever be possible for me. But I take on the action of love for God. It keeps the relationship alive.

Yep.

I just wanted to write that all out.

Thanks for reading, whoever.

♥

Natalie

College

Goodness, gracious. College-searching and consideration is stressful. God's got big plans, and my little head has trouble wrapping around the possibility of them.

Three weeks ago, I officially surrendered my life to His plans. I had thought before that I was already surrendered. But in the midst of a powerful service at a conference I attended with the girls from my youth group, He kept asking me, "Are you sure you're not holding something back?" I was like, "Duhh! I gave it all to you! Remember?" But, I wasn't really thinking about the future. I was just thinking about my 'now' moments, where I'm just all worshiping Him and not holding anything I currently have back from Him. It hit me, though. Out of the blue. I was like, yeah, I'll be a worship leader. I already knew that's what He wanted. But, I was ignoring what that meant. Out of my disdain for Bible colleges and how our worldly, Americanized views have made them a necessity, I was refusing to say I'd go to one. But, if I'm to lead worship in a church, how am I ever to get there without proper training and the certification to show a church that I can do the job? So, in that prayerful hour, I told Him yes. I gave it all up. I un-clenched my hands from my fears of expenses and requirements. I let it all slip out in order to hold His hand. His hand that would guide me through. (My, gosh! I sound so cheesy right now. I love it. Ha ha ha ha.)

Now is the test. The test to see if I'm really dedicated. If I'm really willing. My favorite school I've found, so far, is Christ For The Nations Institute in Dallas. It's only about $10K/year, which is far more reasonable than any of the other Christian schools I've looked through. And their worship program is exactly what I'm looking for. It doesn't have so much to do with theory and such as it does with practical ministry. The school isn't accredited, but I'm not really looking for accreditation. I'm just looking for practical training, and a degree that the right church will recognize and consider me for. CFNI really is my favorite. The application process is a bit more extensive than most, but I understand. They want to make sure they're taking on dedicated people. I need to have a physician do a physical and fill out a bit of a form, so I'll be needing to actually talk to my parents about this school soon.

I can tell that Satan is using my fear of that talk. I know he is. He wants me to give up by planting this idea of my parents' disapproval in my mind. CFNI is a charismatic-based school, and my parents don't exactly approve of the movement thereof. (Believe me, I've heard my dad rant just because a woman, whom I think to be just wonderful for her actions, raises her hands in praise.) But, I know God will make a way if this is the right path. If my parents don't want me to go there, then I'll have to find somewhere else. I cannot obey God's will and disobey Him at the same time.  So, I'm praying for the best. I'm praying for support. I'm praying for the means to do all this. I need $50 to send in the application. The school isn't accredited, so FAFSA is out of the question. Most scholarships require accredited schools. The scholarships that CFNI offers are not applicable to me. I'm not foreign, not from the ghetto, and I'm not going to be working at my church. It's tough. But, I just need to pray. And talk. Talking with others is one of the best ways to work to a resolve. But, for now, I just need to focus on applying. If I'm accepted, I'll take that to be God's "yes." I'm praying for a specific sign! And He will answer. I love that about God. He did the same for Gideon. He's done it for me, too. When I'm too confused and dumb to see His smaller signs and guidance, He is willing to make things blunt for me. Love. it.

Anyways, if anyone reads this, say a quick prayer for me. Or a long one.

Thank you.
~Natalie