:)

Lately I've been such a Debbie Downer! Boo. None of that. I'm determined to work towards a happier life. :) Yep! I keep expecting something more from my relationship with God lately, and the silly girl I am thought she didn't have to put effort into it. HA! That's a joke! It takes loads of effort.

I heard the song The Space Between Us by Shawn McDonald the other day and I realized, that's what I'm missing. I was so focused on just doing the stuff Christians should and I forgot to actually be seeking to get closer to God. Whatta moron I can be! I realized I have to seek Him out and ask Him to fill all my gaps continually. Not just once. Cuz He'll fill the gaps, sure, but once I get sidetracked, I make new ones, or kick Him back out of the ones He already filled! Ya know? It's ridiculous.

Oh, and I was reading in Luke 5. Verses 12&13 stuck out to me.

In one of the villages, Jesus met a man with an advanced case of leprosy. When the man saw Jesus, he bowed with his face to the ground, begging to be healed. "Lord," he said, "if you are willing, you can heal me and make me clean." Jesus reached out and touched him. "I am willing," he said. "Be healed!" And instantly the leprosy disappeared.

First off, the guy had leprosy. That was a big deal back then. You got kicked out of the city for having that and you couldn't come back until it started to regress, which didn't usually happen. So the guy boldy came before Jesus, and was, like, "Jesus, I know you can heal me, if you're willing to!" That's a huge step of faith! He already knew Jesus could do it, He just had to ask! So many of us know that God can heal our hurts and fix our hearts but we don't turn to Him. We can be such fools. We know He's right there and willing, but we choose our own vices to numb our pain, when He is able and willing to literally take them away.

Secondly, Jesus chose to heal him by touching him. A man that hadn't been touched in what could have been years, was touched by the Lord of the earth! What a blessing. The loneliness he once had, was now taken away by the touch of the Savior. And He is still willing to touch all of our lives. : ) Sure, Jesus doesn't walk the earth anymore, so we can't ask Him to touch us with His literal hands, but He can still touch our hearts and kindle the fire of love and life inside us. And He is more than willing to. The offer always stands, it's just up to us to take Him up on it. Don't you love that? I do.

So, yeah! That's what's been on my mind. If there's any hurting in your life, I hope you're seeking out God to take away the pain. Seek Him to fill the space between you two. And ask Him to heal you, because He's glad to do so!

Happy hearts ready and waiting for worship tomorrow!
Natalie

Therapy.

As you may or may not have guessed by now, I struggle with depressive moods. A lot. I'm not claiming to be clinically depressed, for fear of belittling a real problem for others that I might not actually be going through. But, I will say I know how it feels to feel hopeless and alone. Wanting to be so much more but confining oneself to bundled lump on a bed, avoiding contact with the outside world. If I had it my way, I might never leave my house again. (Gosh, that sounds really nice. Not worrying about people or events or anything... Not doing anything. I sure make a good hermit.)

I have this ideal self in my head of who I want to be and pretend to be. She's a pretty sociable person, handles people well, and even enjoys going out. She's also thinner, has clear skin, is always happy, has the next year's supply of contacts, and is totally unreal. I'll never be her. I'm not sure I truly want to be her, either. She sounds really fake and stupid. (Sometimes I think I already am fake and stupid, though, so who knows.) But the main point is, she's not real. She's not me. I'll never be close to dream Natalie. She's too far off to actually reach. I have to make do with the person I am. And, at the moment, I have struggles. I'm fighting off an incessant sadness that most of my friends cannot grasp. I'm getting over mono and trying to get my productivity back. I even have a cold, ha ha ha. For a self-centered, almost eighteen-year-old, home schooled high school senior, it's a lot to handle. Especially when you haven't done much for schoolwork this year. The stress of being behind is way too much. Freaks me out.

So, when the devil is trying to confuse me with all that's flooding my head . . . I decided to make a list tonight. A list of God/Truth -vs.- The Devil/Depression. I contrasted the lies of the devil to the truths of God Almighty. It helped me so much. That was my therapy tonight. (Which is nice, because no matter how bad my 'depression' gets, I refuse to go back to the doctor and have her not take me seriously again. Therapy sounds crappy anyways and medication doesn't actually do anything. Screw the system.) The list really forced me to recognize the truth. And it will now be there to redirect me whenever I start to think I'm worthless . . . just a quick glance and I have a reminder that I'm precious to Him. Eventually, the more I reinforce this new thought pattern, I'll hopefully begin to believe it.

Anyways. If any of you have trouble believing God because the lies of this world are overwhelming you . . . just make a list like that. "The devil says __________, but God says ____________". Dare to believe His Words. : ) He loves you sooooo much.

Love and prayers,

Natalie

The Realization.

Once upon a time, I had a very late night prayer time. And through it, I experienced an amazing closeness with God. It was humbling and uplifting and just flat out wonderful. But one of the things it has made me realize, is that I don't matter. Especially after the sermon my pastor gave on Sunday about self-centered mindsets. We all have one, and we all need to work to break free of them. I have a real problem with mine, too. I am so very self-centered in my thinking, and I'm praying that God will strip me of that, and make me think of others first. I don't actually matter.

One of the examples my pastor used really got the idea across. You walk into a room, and you don't really know anybody. You see a group of people laughing and you wonder... are they laughing at me??? Because we think of ourselves first! And then they look over and stop laughing. As if that confirms it. When really, they merely looked over at a very solemn individual... who wouldn't stop laughing at a sight like that? Ha ha. It kinda opens your eyes... To the fact that you're not the only person in the world. Chances are, everyone isn't talking about you and they're sure as heck not revolving their lives around making you feel a certain way.

That's just kinda been on my mind lately. Convincing myself that I don't actually matter. Nobody's actually going to remember me for the tiny things that embarrass me. Thinking that my mistakes are all that matter in this world. It's a little bit ridiculous. And thinking that someone thinking I'm weird for my faith? Even worse. Shame on me. Reaching out is part of Christianity. Why shouldn't I do it? Just because it's not cool? No way. There are souls on the line. I shouldn't risk it.

Christians converting to Islam???

I had an interesting YouTube experience tonight. I went from watching cute animals, to watching a centipede kill a snake (too creepy, only got through the first minute), and then to watching videos made my Islamic people about converting Christians to their religion.

Never has my heart felt so broken over this subject... not in a very long time anyways. It is sooo sad. Watching these people twist the ultimate Truth into lies that fit their religion is the saddest thing I have ever seen. It's also ever so slightly offensive. (Okay, veryyy offensive, but it's so laced with sorrow that it hardly even makes me that angry... it just shatters my heart.)

We had a very special man visit our church to speak earlier this year. He had been an Islam extremist and ended up finding Truth in God's Word and converted to Christ. God later used him to reach his wife and, if I remember correctly, his children as well. (Dr. Daniel Shayesteh if you ever care to look him up.) He risked his life to embrace the truth, and it is truly encouraging. He was able to speak at our church and inform us of the truth about Islam-- the things about their religion that they do not want others to know. Their ultimate goal is to convert the whole world, and they are instructed to do whatever it takes to do so, even to lie about it. It is just so very sad. I am determined even more now to read his book "Christ Above All". It compares the major religions in the world to Christianity and instructs on how to conversationally lead these people to Christ. I really hope this will help equip me for going out into this world. I feel a tremendous burden for the lost people in America... knowing that they are all around us with all their false religions that America tolerates under instruction of democracy... (I am not bashing on democracy and freedom of religion at all. Just stating where it has gotten us, with Islam as the fastest growing religion in the world... the placeholder that Christ Himself instructed us to have, but we seem to fail at.)

I am praying so hard about this now. Praying that God will use me to impact this world. I don't want to live a quiet life that doesn't even spread God's love and His salvation... It would be a waste. I want to reach others. I pray that God will embolden me. I pray that God will give me wisdom and knowledge and  help me to understand Him better. I am praying that God will show me how to do what He has called me to.

I am also praying about fasting sometime soon. I've done it before, and I knew it was what God was asking of me. He truly answered my prayers and it was a really spiritually charged time. I just find that when my heart is so heavily burdened, the best thing to do is pray and pray and pray and fast. I'm not saying this to brag at all. I am only saying it because I feel it's something that many Christians tend to overlook. The power of prayer is amazingly strong. Focusing on it even more is hardly a bad thing. I'll probably post more about what I believe about fasting tomorrow, when I can gather all my thoughts and track down my verses about it. To anyone who's reading this, please pray for me that I'll be so in tune with God that I'll know exactly what He wants me to do right now. That He'll guide me as I study and that He'll show me what I can do to further His will this week. Especially pray about this fasting, that He'll tell me if this is what He needs me to do right now and if so, how long? 1 day? 3 days? 30 days? I will be praying!!

Love and prayers,

Natalie

:)

Applied for jobs today. Please pray that I'll be considered!

:/

Feeling really down on myself lately. Prayer would be thoroughly appreciated.
Not that anyone reads this.

Debbie Downer, checking in!

I have been such a downer lately! But there is sweet relief for my depressive moods... the blood tests from my worst-doctors-visit-ever came back and I'm not chemically imbalanced. I just have a moderate case of mononucleosis! Yeah! The kissing disease! I swear it's not from kissing Joey! He wasn't sick! I think I shared drinks with someone or somethin' like that. I still have that stupid drained depressed feeling to deal with, but knowing that it won't last forever and it will go away is such a relief. Knowing I won't feel so hopeless for the rest of my life or something... it's just nice. I'll be happy again soon. I'm just so thankful it's not serious. All of my close friends that I confided in when I thought I had depression... their prayers have really been working. God's blessed me so much. I'm very thankful.

So the doc ordered that I get lots of rest and eat healthy. I can do the rest part at least!

Love and prayers,

Natalie