Struggles

Well, as you all know quite well by now, I'm going through a very hard time. And this very hard time really sucks and I'd love nothing more than to beat the crap out of it. But I can't. So here I am just... trying. I'm trying to get by.

I know what everyone says or thinks I should do. "Rely on God." "Find your strength in the Cross!" But do you realize how stupid that soundsto someone that's going through mental illness? It's just really annoying. My brain literally doesn't act the way others' brains do. I can't process things the same. Simple things like faith and understanding are a lot harder than you think. When little things go wrong, my entire mental structure seems to fail me. Everything goes awry. It just melts away and I can't remember how to function.

It is extremely difficult to continually have to remind yourself that God loves you, family loves you, friends love you, when that's the opposite of what you feel. When you feel so utterly hated and outcast. When you feel so much pressure from the coming day that you'd rather die than have to leave bed.

And I know what you're thinking. "That doesn't make sense...pretty extreme, too." Yep. Exactly. I can't help it. That's the way my mind works and yours works differently and you don't get it.

I'm not okay, and you're going to have to get used to it because it's gonna be a long time before that changes. You can't fix me. Nobody can fix me. So please, stop trying. Just buy me food and lend me your sweats and we can watch Doctor Who. That's the closest you can come to helping me. Stick with it.

Peace.